


Two Bros Five Feet Apart

by Leahelisabeth (fortheloveofcamelot)



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Cruise Ships, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Relationship Advice, Slow Burn, The Best Lesbian Couple Ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 16:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15889668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortheloveofcamelot/pseuds/Leahelisabeth
Summary: Jeremy sniffed as he looked at his computer screen and the email he had just opened up.  Every colourful picture and excited blurb just another stab to his tattered heart.  And there at the bottom, the biggest blow of all, “non-refundable.”He sighed and slammed his laptop shut, not caring that his rough treatment could damage it.  Right now, he wanted to damage something.  A significant portion of his savings had gone into these tickets and now he had nothing to show for it, no girlfriend, no awesome vacation, and absolutely zero chill.Jeremy's girlfriend dumps him on the eve of a romantic vacation.  Jean fills in.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My fic for the 2018 All for the Game Big Bang. Please check out the incredible [art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15833940/chapters/36870213) by jojen-hewitt. I could not be happier at how it turned out. My vision was brought to life in vivid light and colour and I am just so impressed!

 

Jeremy sniffed as he looked at his computer screen and the email he had just opened up. Every colourful picture and excited blurb just another stab to his tattered heart. And there at the bottom, the biggest blow of all, “non-refundable.”

He sighed and slammed his laptop shut, not caring that his rough treatment could damage it. Right now, he wanted to damage something. A significant portion of his savings had gone into these tickets and now he had nothing to show for it, no girlfriend, no awesome vacation, and absolutely zero chill.

A knock came at his door and Jeremy was tempted to roll up like a burrito in his favourite fluffy blanket and ignore the outside world but instead he wiped his swollen eyes and trudged over to the door. “What do you want?” he scowled.

Jean stood there like a pale scarecrow, arm raised to knock again. “I uh...thought you might want to drill with me,” he said softly, eyes fixed on the doorframe to Jeremy’s left.

“What for? We’re officially on vacation. We played our last game yesterday, remember?” Jeremy glared.

Jean hunched his shoulders a little but forced himself to meet Jeremy’s eyes. “I just thought you might need to blow off a little steam.”

Jeremy slumped against the doorframe a little. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Let me just get out of my pajamas.” He shut the door, expecting that Jean would head over without him but when he opened it again a few minutes later, Jean was still lurking awkwardly in the hallway.

Two hours later, Jeremy was dripping with sweat and had managed not one, but three genuine smiles at the other boy. “Thanks, Jean,” he said.

Jean shrugged and half turned to head to the showers. Jeremy collapsed to the floor of the court and a hesitant few seconds later, Jean joined him.

“Like, fuck her,” Jeremy said. “Fuck Claire for existing.”

Jean turned his head slightly to look at his captain and nodded, signalling to Jeremy that he was willing to listen.

“Like, was I seriously such a bad boyfriend? How could she do this to me?” Jeremy brought up his left arm to cover his face. He could feel the tears trying to leak out once more. “I didn’t tell anyone, but she’s been cheating on me almost the whole time. There were at least four others. I knew she was distant sometimes, and she was a very private person. But I believed her when she said she loved me.”

Jean reached out and loosely clasped Jeremy’s right wrist with his hand.

“She sent me a picture of her kissing another guy with the caption ‘we’re done’ and that’s it, relationship over,” Jeremy continued. “And the worst part is, I had this big romantic gesture planned for after final exams since I’ve been so busy. I was going to give her tickets to this great, all-expenses paid couples cruise and we were going to really get our relationship back on track…” Jeremy trailed off into a sob. “She sent me that picture one hour after the deadline for cancelling with a full refund and three hours before I was going to send her the tickets.”

Jean lightly patted Jeremy’s wrist and Jeremy realized that he actually felt better, lighter. He looked at Jean and Jean pulled his hand back. “Wow, thanks,” Jeremy said. “This really helped. You’re a good friend, Jean.”

There was a dusting of pink on Jean’s pale cheeks but all he did was nod and offer Jeremy another fleeting bit of eye contact.

“Oh,” Jeremy said, shooting upright. “I have an idea! Why don’t you come with me on the cruise? That way we won’t waste the ticket and I don’t have to go alone!”

Jean sat up too, a little more slowly. “I thought this was a couple’s cruise.”

“Oh, yeah,” Jeremy deflated. “They don’t allow single people on the cruise. Forget I asked.”

“Unless…” Jean started, his cheeks now a true, deep red, “we could pretend?”

Jeremy grinned again. “That would be perfect. We can just tell everyone we aren’t comfortable with PDA. The tickets are for Jeremy Knox plus one. It isn’t like her name is on any of the documentation. It will be great! You can get some sun on that white skin. I can get some relaxation and party time. This is exactly what I need! Thanks, buddy!”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” Jean said, studying his fingernails.

This time it was Jeremy’s turn to blush bright red as Jean looked over at him with a wolfish grin. “We might need a little bit of practice,” Jean said.

“I think you might be right,” Jeremy replied before standing and holding out his hand to pull Jean to his feet. They stood there, less than a foot of space between them, hands still clasped, for one awkward moment before Jeremy shrugged, readjusted his grip so his fingers were intertwined with Jean’s, and led the way to the locker room without letting go. “Practice starts now.”

* * *

Jeremy tried very hard to be excited about his upcoming vacation but it was difficult to stay out of his own head. He kept running the last few months with Claire through his head over and over, wondering what he had done wrong, what he could have changed. But Jean was getting much better at pulling Jeremy out of his spiraling thoughts, especially now that they were practicing to look like a couple. They spent the rest of the evenings before it started together to prepare. It had been supremely awkward to start until Jeremy had just grabbed Jean and pulled him onto the bed and snuggled into him like a clingy backpack.

Jean had frozen in his arms for a while before relaxing. Jeremy was half considering implementing mandatory snuggle time for the team next year. His mood was so improved after an hour of cuddling with Jean, and even Jean appeared to be smiling easier and more often. They had gotten into a routine. They kept training together every afternoon even though they had no more games for the season. Every evening they would hit the vending machine and load up on the junk food and then they would spend the next few hours watching one of Jeremy’s comfort shows while snuggled up in one of the dorm beds until either one of them decided to go back to their own bed or, and this happened with increasing frequency, they fell asleep.

 

 

By the time the day of departure came around, Jeremy felt like he could at least pretend to be happy. They drove down to San Francisco together, leaving the dorm at about 4 am. Jean mostly napped in the passenger seat while Jeremy sang along under his breath to all his favourite pop hits, trying to keep himself awake. The sun was shining bright by the time they reached the port and finally Jeremy could feel a hint of something in the pit of his stomach that was either excitement or nerves.

They were there at least an hour earlier than they needed to be and Jeremy cursed his inability to chill when he realized he and Jean could have slept in another hour.

“I’m sorry,” Jeremy started to apologize but Jean just shrugged, shouldered his bag, and made a beeline for a bunch on the edge of departures. Jeremy pulled his backpack onto one shoulder, slung his duffel over the other, grabbed the handle of his suitcase as carefully as he could, and followed.

It was a fairly large bench but Jeremy sat down right beside Jean and closed his eyes, drinking in the sunlight. He started to doze a little, the early morning catching up to him. He jumped a little when fingers started playing with the hair on the back of his neck and the fingers withdrew.

“It’s ok,” Jeremy said, slumping toward Jean’s shoulder. The fingers were soon back, running through Jeremy’s curls and cradling his head. A warmth built in Jeremy’s stomach and he smiled and inhaled Jean’s scent. He fell asleep for real then.

He woke to Jean trying to extricate himself.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” he said softly.

Jeremy sat up, rubbing sleep out of his eyes and saw the same thing Jean had, two little old ladies struggling with a mountain of baggage. One of them was dressed like his grandmother, floral shirt, high waisted shorts, birkenstocks, and pearls, but the other was in a shocking orange dress and an outrageously flamboyant hat covering a head of rainbow hair. By the time Jeremy took all this in, Jean was already over there politely offering a hand.

He saw a few people were setting their luggage in the loading area so he once again piled himself up with his own and Jean’s luggage and carried it over there. He dropped it off in its own little space and jogged over to Jean and the little old ladies.

The brightly coloured one grinned at him as he walked up. “Jean, is this your young man?”

Jean’s ears turned pink as Jeremy jumped forward to introduce himself. “Yes, I am! Jeremy Knox. And you are?”

“Oh, my name is Esther Hargraves, and this is my wife, Myrtle,” the second was said with such fondness and warmth that Jeremy couldn’t help but grin even wider.

“How long have you been married?” he asked politely as he grabbed a few of their bags.

“Oh, this is our honeymoon,” Esther gushed. “But we’ve been engaged for fifty years.”

“Congratulations,” Jean smiled, another real one, and a nice one, with dimples.

“Oh, thank you, honey. And what about you two? How long have you been together?” Esther patted Jean’s shoulder.

“Six months dating,” Jeremy said, giving their agreed upon cover story. “But we’ve been friends for two years.”

“Oh, so much ahead of you to discover!” Esther laughed. “And cruising already?”

Jean looked at Jeremy with a look Jeremy was sure he recognized but didn’t understand. “When you know, you know,” he said softly.

Myrtle stepped forward, her eyes downcast. “I’m glad for you,” she said.

Esther looked delighted and let go of her giant hat to pull Myrtle into a hug only to watch it as the hat blew right off her head and into the harbour.

Jean began to toe off his shoes. “One moment,” he said.

Esther grabbed his arm. “Don’t you dare jump into that filthy harbour,” she said fiercely. “You might get hit by a boat. I have another.” And she pulled another hat, even larger and more gaudy from her bag and shoved the crumpled mess on her head, then she pulled out a rainbow scarf and tied it over the entire thing and knotted it under her chin. “I’ll do a better job of keeping this one,” she winked.

Jeremy laughed loudly and clutched at Jean’s arm. “Let’s go, I think we can board now.”

Jean smiled, his cheeks already a little pink from the heat. Somehow, they managed to grab the Hargraves’ luggage and their own and Esther grabbed their tickets so they wouldn’t have to try to juggle them and all the bags and they were off to the gangplank.

“Hun,” Jean started. He stopped as Jeremy felt his whole face go red. “Sorry, I-i’ll…” he cleared his throat. “I’ll take their luggage to their room. Do you want to go ahead to ours?”

Jeremy recovered quickly. “Sure, sweetie,” he hopped up on his tippie toes to give Jean a kiss on the cheek before going their separate ways.

 

 

It was only once he reached the room that he realized he may have made a really big mistake. The whole room was decorated in red silk. There were flowers and champagne on the table as well as a gift basket with items that made Jeremy’s ears burn and maybe there was a reason they said couples only and almost before he took all this in, he was finding the smallest, darkest corner in their cabin to curl up in for a good cry.

“Jeremy?” The next thing Jeremy registered is Jean’s confused voice. For a moment, he is tempted to stay in hiding but he also doesn’t want Jean to wander around the ship looking for him.

“I’m here,” he sniffles.

Moments later, Jean has opened the closet door and is crouching in front of him. “You ok?”

Jeremy shakes his head in abject misery. “This was supposed to fix things. It was supposed to be better after this. If she could have just stuck around a little longer we could have worked this out.”

Jean doesn’t say anything, just hums a little and crawls into the tiny closet next to Jeremy.

“No, don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here in my own little pity party. You should go and have fun,” Jeremy sniffs, already leaning into Jean’s warmth.

“It won’t be as much fun without you,” Jean said. “Besides, this will be better for our cover. If I’m wandering around the ship alone, someone might suspect something. This way we can tell them we were trying out the bed.”

Jeremy laughed through his tears. “Well, if you insist,” he snuggled into Jean’s side and closed his eyes and slowly, the urge to cry faded. He was almost asleep when Jean shifted slightly.

“Do you want to try out the bed?” Jean asked.

“What?” Jeremy sat up and gasped.

“Not like that,” Jean protests quickly. “I just meant it was an early morning and nothing really starts before lunchtime so maybe we should have a nap.”

“Oh,” Jeremy settled back into Jeans side.

“You’ll have to come out of the closet first,” Jean nudged him a little.

“Mmhmm,” Jeremy murmured sleepily.

Jean sighed before crawling out and standing. He grabbed Jeremy’s arms and hoisted him out of the closet and deposited him gently on the bed. Jeremy felt Jean pull off his shoes and then the weight on the side of the bed as he crawled in beside him.

Jeremy rolled over and slung his arm over Jean’s side in his favourite cuddling position, affectionately known as the backpack. “This is nice. Thanks, Jean. You’re such a good friend.”

Jean gripped his hand. “You too,” he whispered.

They woke a few hours later to the sound of a bell. Jeremy rolled over and picked up his phone. He squinted at it with bleary eyes. “Holy shit,” he half shouted. “That’s the lunch bell.”

“Do we have to go?” Jean yawned, flipping over to face Jeremy.

“What if there is a bunch of introductory stuff that we don’t want to miss?” Jean hesitated, looking at Jean wrapped in the sheets. “We can skip other meals to sleep but we should make it to this one.”

Jean wrinkled his nose, “Fine.”

“I don’t have time to shower,” Jeremy panicked a little. “Do I look sleep rumpled or sex rumpled? Quick, give me a hickey.”

Jean let out a startled laugh. “We are allowed to sleep on this trip, you know.”

Jeremy pouted at him.

“Come here,” Jean sighed. He ran his hands through Jeremy’s hair a few times and wiped the sleep from his eyes and the drool trail from his chin. “Ok, now bite your bottom lip for a bit. Perfect. You look well fucked.”

Jeremy blushed at the heat in Jean’s voice. “Shouldn’t you, you know, too?”

Jean grinned and shook out his curls, biting his own lip. “We’ll save the hickeys for when we need to convince someone. Now come on, we’re going to be late.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Yoo hoo!” Esther called as soon as they entered the dining room. Jean grinned one of his rare full smiles and headed over, overly aware of Jeremy’s warmth against his side.

“You might as well join us for lunch. Oh, and we talked to one of the stewards and got them to change your table assignment up in the restaurant so you can sit with us,” Esther beamed.

“Why?” Jeremy blurted out.

“Honey,” Esther laughed, “you really wanna spend these 15 days with the straights? Besides, we like you.”

Jeremy blushed a stammered a bit until Jean reached over and pulled him in, snug against his side. “I think it’s a good idea, babe.” Jean expected Jeremy to jump in and take over like he did all of their social engagement but instead he went willingly and silently into Jean’s arms, content to let Jean take the lead.

“Gosh, you’d think he was the shy one,” Jean teased lightly. “Normally he does all the talking for me.”

Esther and Myrtle exchanged knowing looks. “You’re not out of the closet yet,” Esther said.

Jeremy squeaked a little and blushed even redder. “Not exactly, no,” he admitted.

“Well, what safer place to get a taste of it than on a cruise where nobody knows you?” Esther said confidently.

“But I’m famous…” he said softly. “And you’re famous,” he squeaked at Jean. “What the hell were we thinking?”

Jean looked over at the other couple. They mercifully turned to each other and started talking in a low voice. “Do you want to wear a disguise?” he whispered.

Jeremy looked at him incredulously before noticing the little quirk in the corner of Jean’s lips. He sagged over into him. “I just didn’t think this through,” he mumbled into Jean’s shoulder.

Jean sighed and rubbed Jeremy’s back, not stopping until he felt some of the tension release and Jeremy sat up again. They looked over at the other couple sharing their table.

“Sorry,” Jeremy said, flushing bright pink.

“Not a problem, dearie,” Esther winked. “Just because I had my gay crisis fifty years ago doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten what it was like.”

“I’m not...” Jeremy started before looking around at where he was and what he was doing and slumping down in his seat. “I’m going to go get some food.”

Jean stood to follow him and almost tripped as tentative fingers brushed against his and then tangled together.

“You’re sure you’re ok with this?” Jean asked, gripping Jeremy’s hand tightly.

“In for a penny, in for a pound,” Jeremy said wearily. They both loaded up their plates and turned to go back to the table. Jeremy saw the bar and a thoughtful look stole across his face. “Take my plate back to the table for me?” he asked. Jean barely kept the heaping plate from going down his shirt front. “Do you want anything?”

“You’re not much of a drinker. Are you sure this is how you want to start out the trip?” Jean asked.

“Well, no? But this is what heartbroken people do, right? I was doing so good, not thinking about her at all but now all I can think about is that we were meant to be here together and I want to trry and forget that,” Jeremy dropped his eyes to the ground and shuffled his feet a little.

“Wine’s good,” Jean sighed.

Jeremy rolled his eyes fondly and strode up to the bar. “Give me the biggest drink you have,” he was saying as Jean walked out of earshot.

Jean made it to the table without mishap and he turned to look for Jeremy, wondering if he should have specified the type of wine but Jeremy was already on his way back, a half glass of white clutched in his left hand and a massive, bright blue fishbowl cradled in his right arm.  
Jeremy sat it down on the table, splashing a little blue on the table as he did. Jean took a sip of his wine, surprised to taste his favourite Alsatian Riesling. He turned to say thank you but Jeremy was ignoring his food in order to gulp thirstily at his drink.

Jean pointedly nudged Jeremy’s plate a little closer. Jeremy rolled his eyes but alternated gulps of his drink with bites of chicken and mashed potatoes. He looked back up at Esther and Myrtle to see them with identical grins on their faces and he cringed a little.

“Now dear, I don’t suppose you would mind telling us exactly what you’re famous for,” Esther winked.

Jean relaxed and sighed. “We play college Exy?” he said.

“Is that the one that George’s cousin is really into?” Myrtle asked quietly.

“I think so. The one that looks like lacrosse and everybody beats on people?” Esther asked Jean.

Jeremy giggled into his drink as Jean nodded and started explaining the rules and talking about some of their memorable games. He talked about Exy through the rest of lunch while at his side, Jeremy slowly came down from his freakout. By the time their plates were clean and glasses were empty, Jeremy was sprawled over Jean’s shoulder and tracing the veins on his arm. Jean’s honestly not sure what helped more, the Exy talk or the second and third drinks that Jeremy had downed as quickly as the first.

“Well, thank you, I wasn’t expecting this cruise to be quite so educational,” Esther beamed, stacking her plate on Myrtle’s and fishing the last piece of fruit out of the dregs of her sangria. “I think we’re going to have a relaxing afternoon, save up some energy for the rest of the cruise, but you two should definitely check out the pool, maybe the games room. See you at supper?” she stood and extended her hand to Myrtle.

After they left, Jean started to extricate himself out from under Jeremy. Jeremy clutched at him, hand accidentally grazing a nipple. Jean shivered and caught Jeremy’s hand.

“Am I good at being gay?” Jeremy asked.

Jean could feel his face heating.

“You’ll help me practice, right?” Jeremy slurred. “I want to be good for you.”

“Those drinks are a lot stronger than you thought, huh,” Jean asked.

“I am...ssssoooo drink. Drinky-drunk,” Jeremy giggled.

Jean couldn’t help laughing a little along with him. “Yeah, you are.”

“Can we go get another drink?” Jeremy pouted up at him.

Jean hesitated. “You might want to pace yourself. Drink some water now and we’ll get you another drink later.”

Jeremy sniffled into Jean’s shoulder and Jean looked down, alarmed, as the first tears soaked through his t-shirt.

“You’re just...you’re so nice to me,” Jeremy sobbed.

“Yeah, water,” Jean nodded firmly, dragging Jeremy back to their cabin and the mini fridge of bottled water.

Despite Jean’s constant vigilance, Jeremy consumed far more alcohol than water that afternoon. Jean had seen tipsy Jeremy before. They are part of a college Exy team after all. But Jean had never seen completely shitfaced Jeremy. He was often the DD and even when he wasn’t, he was still the responsible captain keeping tabs on everyone. But this, this was Jeremy cutting loose and trusting Jean to have his back.

There was a warm feeling in Jean’s chest that Jeremy trusted him enough to let loose like this but it was paired with the ache of dread because as many times as Jean had imagined going on this cruise and pretending to date, he had failed to adequately prepare himself for this.

“I just...just think you’re the best person. And I like it when the sun shines on your hair. And I like your smile and I wish I could make you smile all the time,” Jeremy rambled as he had been doing for at least the last 20 minutes. There were two deck chairs in this little area Jean had picked for them but Jeremy had collapsed onto one and refused to let go of Jean’s hand until he stretched out beside him in the same chair and let Jeremy draw pictures on his clothed chest. Jean didn’t complain because as long as they were sitting here, Jeremy wasn’t up at the bar ordering another drink. They stayed there and watched as the sun neared the horizon, painting the sky orange and pink and gilding the puffy white clouds. Jeremy’s rambling finally tapered off and they lay in silence as the colours deepened to purple and blue and gave way to the brilliance of stars.

Jean’s eyes prickled as suddenly it hit him just how far he was from the Raven’s Nest, from short, violent days, and oppressively close ceilings. He had this beautiful, beautiful boy nestled warm in his arms and there was nothing here between him and infinite universe. It was terrifying and magnificent, all at once.

“Oh, I guess we should get supper,” Jeremy said softly. Jean looked down at him, relieved to see that Jeremy was sobering up a little.

“I think we missed it,” Jean whispered.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Jeremy said.

“It’s ok,” Jean said, pressing his lips to Jeremy’s forehead. “This was...This is the best thing I think I’ve ever done.”

“You’re happy you came?” Jeremy asked, sitting up slightly to look at Jean in the dim light. “Even though I’m so fucked up?”

“Yes,” Jean felt himself smiling for what must have been the fifth or sixth time that day, definitely a new record. “Do you want to go see what kind of entertainment is on tonight?”

“Can we just go back to our room? Just for tonight? Everything still feels like too much, you know what I mean?” Jeremy asks. “I mean, you don’t actually have to come with me. You can totally find some entertainment. I don’t want to keep you from having fun.”

“Jeremy, it’s ok. It’s a lot for me too. We can go back to pretending tomorrow.” Jean said, getting to his feet and pulling a slightly wobbly Jeremy after him.

A basket sat outside their door when they reached their room. Jean picked it up and carried it inside. A note was taped carefully to the lid. Jean pulled it off as Jeremy stumbled over to the bed, shedding his clothes as he went.

_Noticed you missed supper. Whether you’re running a marathon or a sprint, you still eventually need fuel. Love, Esther and Myrtle._

Jean shook his head. He opened the basket to find takeout containers of food, dinner rolls, a plate of chocolate covered strawberries, and a full bottle of the Riesling he’d had at lunch.

“God, I’m hungry,” Jeremy said, bare torso pressing into Jean’s side. “Bless those old dears.”  
He pulled the bottle of wine out and started looking around for a corkscrew.

“Hey, food first,” Jean said.

Jeremy smiled. “But wine after.”

Jean sighed but agreed.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

Jeremy drifted slowly back into consciousness. He smiled as he felt strong arms wrapped loosely around his torso and a safe, warm presence at his back. As he shed layers of sleep, he gradually became aware of other things too, the taste of dead things in his mouth, the gummy feeling of sleep in his eyes, the wet spot of drool underneath his cheek. He dragged his eyes open, trying to rebuild the night before. Big mistake.

“Owwww,” he whimpered, tears leaking out of his tight shut eyes.

The warmth at his back shifted and pulled him closer. “Good morning,” an amused voice came from over his shoulder. Jeremy shivered at the breath across his bare skin.

“How can it be good when the sun is trying to murder me?” Jeremy asked, voice muffled as he shoved his face into the pillow.

“I take it you have some regrets,” Jean chuckled.

“My regrets are giving birth to tiny, baby regretlings,” Jeremy whined.

Jean let out a single bark of laughter and Jeremy felt smug satisfaction replace his headache for just a moment. He relaxed back into Jean, trying to drop back into sleep.

Jean sighed and suddenly there was a great jostling as Jeremy’s cuddle buddy got out of bed, taking the blankets with him.

“No fair,” Jeremy groaned.

“It’s lunch time. Let’s get a burger in you, maybe a fancy coffee or two. I didn’t come on this cruise so you could chain me to the bed,” Jean said, leaning over Jeremy to pull him out of bed.

“Kinky.” Jeremy swiped at Jean but since his eyes were still quite determinedly sealed closed, he caught nothing but air.

Jean sighed and grabbed Jeremy’s forearms and pulled. Jeremy’s breath whooshed out of him as he hit the floor. He sniffed, catching a nose full of old carpet.

“Just leave me alone to die,” Jeremy whined.

“Nope,” Jean said and leaned over to pull Jeremy up.

“Fine.” Jeremy struggled to his feet and, without opening his eyes, planted his face in Jean’s shoulder. “Lead on, Macduff.”

“Uh...do you want to wear...clothes?” Jean asked and Jeremy knew that if he could open his eyes right now, Jean’s pale skin would be flushing bright red.

“If I don’t have to open my eyes to do it,” Jeremy said. He heard Jean rustling around for a bit before he was handed an armful of soft worn cotton that smelled far more like his teammate than his own clothing should.

“Do you need help?” Jean asked hesitantly.

“Just hold it up for me so I don’t put it on backwards?” Jeremy said. His head got stuck once but it was soon resolved and they were heading out of their cabin, Jeremy’s face planted in the middle of Jean’s back to block out the sunlight, trusting that the other man would lead him to food and coffee.

“Chair,” Jean finally murmured after a circuitous route.

Jeremy sat down in relief, grateful he hadn’t thrown up on his way. “Bring me coffee?” he asked pitifully.

“Sure,” Jean sounded amused. “Think you can block your own sun for a while?”

Jeremy nodded carefully and kept his eyes squeezed shut while Jean moved away.

“Oh, you poor dear,” another voice sounded from not far away. He heard water pouring and ice tinkling in a glass. “Here, take some of these.”

Jeremy cautiously opened his eyes, just a sliver, and saw Esther holding out a glass of water and a couple of small red pills.

“It’s just tylenol,” she said when she saw Jeremy hesitate.

Jeremy reached over and took them gratefully. The cold water hitting his stomach was a shock and it was only with great difficulty that he managed to keep it down.

“Here, take this too,” And Myrtle set a pair of sunglasses in his palm. He put them on and opened his eyes a little further. His head still hurt but at least the light wasn’t stabbing him anymore.

Jeremy smelled Jean returning before he saw him. “Coffee, glorious coffee,” he moaned. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more.”

“Uh,” Jean said eloquently. Jeremy was too busy scalding his tongue with his heavenly beverage to notice.

“You should eat too,” Jean interrupted after he had gulped down half the cup of coffee. He set down a huge burger loaded with bacon, cheese, and fried mushrooms. Jeremy’s stomach lurched at the thought but Jean was silently insistent. He started to feel a little more human after the first bite and turned back into the conversation going around the table.

As the food hit his stomach, he could feel himself slowly reaching an equilibrium. He still had a headache but he could look around at everything without feeling like he was about to die.

“It was tennis, actually,” Myrtle was saying. “We both played in high school and we were pretty good. When we went to university, they put us in as doubles. I had never really played with anyone else before. I was one of those loners in high school, you see. My family was supremely wealthy and also extremely frugal. So I couldn’t use it to throw those parties that always make rich kids so popular.”

“Like you wouldn’t have been popular anyway,” Esther said. “The first thing I thought when I met you was to wonder how someone so incredibly beautiful and wealthy could be full of so much unaffected niceness.”

Myrtle blushed. “It’s all on you. You dragged me kicking and screaming out of my shell.”

“Not so much screaming,” Esther winked. “That came a little later.”

Jeremy’s face heated but he felt a little better once he realized that Myrtle’s face was also getting redder.

“Yeah, so we blew up those tennis courts, kicking ass at universities all over the country. Then, when we were both in our senior year, disaster struck,” Esther said, pausing for dramatic effect.

Myrtle rolled her eyes and took over. “My parents told me I had had enough time to gad about and it was time for me to settle down and get married and have children. When I protested that I wasn’t ready, they told me they had indulged me far too much by letting me get a degree at all. I went to Esther’s dorm room and sobbed to her. It just seemed wrong. And then Esther kissed me and I knew why it felt so wrong. We had a blissful few months before graduation day. I sent a letter to my parents telling them I was not coming home and then we skipped out of town the day before the ceremony.”

“That was brave,” Jean said.

“Yeah well, old money and influence still win out far too often. They hired private investigators and had my picture in every police station in the country. It wasn’t long before I was dragged kicking and screaming back to my parents’ home. I didn’t see Esther again for about 48 years,” Myrtle continued.

“48 years?!” Jeremy finally broke into the conversation. “How could you stand it?”

Myrtle reached out a trembling hand and gripped Esther’s. Her knuckles turned white and tears gathered in her eyes.

“I think that’s a story for another day,” Esther said gently. “But tell me about you two. What’s your story?”

Jeremy opened his mouth to tell her they played on the same team but Jean spoke first.

“Jeremy saved my life,” Jean smiled softly. “I was in a dark place. There was nothing I could do, nowhere I could go. I was sure I would die there, by my own hand or by…” Jean shuddered. “Jeremy gave me a home and a purpose. He made me a part of his team and then a part of his life.”

Jeremy could only stare at Jean. He couldn’t really mean that. He must be putting on a show. Jeremy had done very little to save Jean. Renee and the Foxes got him out of Evermore and sent him to Jeremy. All he’d really done was smile and let things happen. To think that Jean might actually feel that way about his small contribution. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once. Jean noticed Jeremy’s scrutiny and dropped his eyes.

“I think that’s enough heavy conversation for the day,” Esther broke in. “I think we’re going to go get into our bathing suits. See you at the pool after lunch has a chance to settle?”

* * *

 

Jean stood in their room, shirt in his hands, and debated. For one thing, he was on a cruise. Just about everybody was half dressed. He would probably stand out more if he remained fully clothed. But, while he had absolutely nothing on Neil Josten’s nightmare torso, he was not without his own scars. Definitely there were more than he could explain away with clumsiness or surgeries. His abdomen was alright but his chest and shoulders were definitely well marked with thin white lines.

Jeremy came out of the bathroom, red and gold swimming trunks slung low on his hips. Jean ignored his dilemma for a moment to appreciate the sight of the well toned muscles and the deep vee of his hipbones. He shook himself out of it when he started imagining following that treasure trail.

Jeremy thankfully didn’t notice his stare.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, noticing Jean’s indecision.

“Um…” Jean said, then gestured with the shirt.

“You’re going to be hot as blazes in all that black,” Jeremy said. “It’s only going to get warmer this afternoon.”

Jean shrugged and started to pull it on anyway.

“Wait,” Jeremy stopped him. He went over to his suitcase and rummaged for a while before pulling out a handful of white cloth. He tossed it to Jean and Jean held it out in front of him. It was a shirt, or at least he thought it was meant to be a shirt. It was incredibly light and flimsy and had a rainbow pattern on the front and no matter how he pulled on it, there was no way the hemline was going to go lower than the bottom of his ribcage. He looked over at Jeremy and opened his mouth to protest.

“Trust me,” Jeremy said.

Jean shrugged and pulled the shirt over his head. He was right, it left most of his stomach exposed but it neatly managed to cover the worst of his scars. “Where the hell did you get this? I think I’d have noticed if you wore it at school.” He stopped and bit his tongue fiercely.

Jeremy didn’t notice his slip. “Oh, it was a gift from Alvarez the day before we left. She said I needed to look the part.”

Jean nodded. He glanced in the mirror and didn’t absolutely hate it. It softened the austerity of his snug fitted black trunks. It looked more like he was on vacation with Jeremy instead of his silent, dark caretaker lurking in the shadows.

“Pool?” Jeremy asked.

“Pool.” Jean nodded.

Jeremy, who obviously had now gotten his second wind, was running ahead the moment he saw the pool. He ignored the lifeguard’s shouts and immediately cannonballed right in, soaking all the unlucky bystanders. Jean followed at a more sedate place. He picked two deck chairs and dropped their towels on them before laying back and closing his eyes, soaking in the warmth of the sun.

Minutes later, a wet and dripping shadow blocked the sun. “Do you mind?” he mumbled.

“Not at all,” Jeremy laughed, crowding into his space. “Come swim with me!”

Jean rolled his eyes. “I thought I might read for a bit.”

“Who reads on vacation?” Jeremy asked, scandalized. “Come on. I found a couple that wants to play chicken and I need my other half.”

Jean sighed and stood.

“You don’t have to if you really don’t want to,” Jeremy suddenly interjected, looking sheepishly at his feet.

“And miss the chance to kick ass with you?” Jean felt the corner of his lips quirk up.

“Awesome!” Jeremy said and started dragging Jean into the pool.

Jean had never played chicken before, at least not the kind that didn’t include knives and bitten bloody lips and choked back screams. This was completely different. This was Jeremy’s muscular thighs slung over his shoulders and cold water and breathless laughter, the sting of chlorine in his nostrils and eyes, the rush of sparkling water closing over his head when they lost, and the equally as breathtaking hugs of victory when they won.

Eventually, they ended up on the deck chairs side by side, shivering and smiling.

“That was the most fun I’ve had in ages,” Jeremy sighed happily.

Jean thought for a moment and realized that he wholeheartedly agreed. Jeremy impulsively stuck out his hand between the chairs and after a few seconds, Jean took it. They lay there, holding hands until Jean drifted off.

Waking up was not nearly so pleasant. He heard Jeremy’s voice calling him and he sounded worried. The last few layers of sleep fled him in a rush and he was sitting up, looking for whatever threat was facing Jeremy. That was his first mistake. Wait no, his first mistake was apparently falling asleep in the sunshine. Sitting up was his second, but rather more excruciating mistake. He felt heated and his skin was raw and sensitive. He looked down and the first thing he saw was his cherry red abdomen. He groaned.

“Jean, oh my god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think. I’ve never had a sunburn in my life.” Jeremy stood over him, hands hovering but not touching him.

And of course, Jeremy looked as if he had been blessed by the sun god, Apollo himself. The time lying out in the sun had deepened his already golden skin and new and impossibly kissable freckles were standing out on his shoulders and the bridge of his nose.

“Aw fuck,” Jean said.


	4. Chapter 4

Jeremy was worried. He couldn’t help it. He wanted to help and he barely kept his hands off as Jean sat up, groaning just a little.

Jean’s entire front was bright red. His legs, his arms, his torso, his face. It was a little better over his chest because of the shirt but it wasn’t enough to keep him from burning entirely.

Jean swayed a little and shivered when he was finally sitting up.

“Shit,” Jeremy said. “What can I do?”

Jean rearranged his features, keeping them carefully blank. “I’m fine,” he said.

Jeremy wanted to freak out. He recognized that look from the first weeks after Jean had arrived. He had been so broken and so unable to ask anyone for help. All the progress he had made could not be lost just because he was an idiot and fell asleep in the sun.

“Fuck, no you’re not,” Jeremy half shouted. “Let me help you.”

Jean looked up and he must have been able to see the panic in Jeremy’s eyes because he was pulling himself to his feet almost immediately. “Hey, hey, it’s ok, I’m really alright,” Jean soothed, even as his fingers were digging painfully into Jeremy’s shoulders to keep himself up.

“Oh dear,” a voice came from behind them. Myrtle had approached them without them noticing. “We need to get him out of the sun. Our cabin is just over there. Can you walk, sweetheart?”

Jean nodded stiffly and hobbled over, very carefully not letting his arms or legs rub against any other part of his body. He didn’t say anything but Jeremy could see the tears in the corner of his eyes.

In a few minutes, they had him settled on the bed in Esther and Myrtle’s cabin.

“Jeremy, can you run for some water?” Myrtle asked.

Jeremy was so glad for something to do that he took off at a run, returning with about six bottles of water cradled in his arms. Esther was out of the bathroom by then, her rainbow hair dripping around her face.

“Oh honey,” she said softly. “Have you been burnt like this before?”

Jean shook his head stiffly. “I didn’t really see the sun all that often,” he admitted.

“Myrtle, did you get my aloe vera out yet?” Esther asked as she toweled off her hair, leaving it in crazy colourful wisps all around her head.

“Like I could find it in the disaster zone of your luggage,” Myrtle smiled fondly.

“I have a system,” Esther protested. She went to her suitcase and rooted around for a bit, soon emerging with a clear green bottle. She tossed it to Jeremy, who promptly dropped every bottle of water he was carrying to catch it.

Jean wheezed out a laugh, the look on Jeremy’s face worth the pain of movement.

“Now, you two take your time,” Esther said. “We’re going to go take a walk before dinner. If you feel up to it, you can join us in the dining room, and if you don’t, we’ll bring you supper again so you don’t have to worry about it.”

The door shut behind them and they were alone. It was strange. They had been alone together plenty of times before but this felt strangely different. Jean felt simultaneously too hot and too cold. The slightest breath of air across his skin sent shivers up and down his spine and Jeremy’s gaze felt like a weight on his body.

“We should probably get that shirt off,” Jeremy started, oddly flushed.

Jean nodded and painfully pushed himself up into a sitting position. Jeremy was gentle but he couldn’t keep Jean from feeling it entirely as he pulled the shirt carefully over his torso. Jean could feel the salt of tears stinging his cheeks by the time he was resettled on his back. He closed his eyes, listening as Jeremy popped the cap off the aloe vera and squirted some in his hands. There was a moment’s pause, almost long enough for Jean to open his eyes to see why Jeremy was hesitating, but then strong hands glided across his abdomen, leaving blessed coolness in their wake. He only barely bit back the moan.

They were both silent, Jean because he didn’t want to break the spell, never wanted to feel anything other than Jeremy’s hands soothing the fire in his skin.

“Um…” Jeremy cleared his throat a little while later. “I should…uh.”

Jean opened stubborn eyelids to see Jeremy’s face, once again glowing red. Jean looked down only to realize he was painfully, obviously hard and the red in his face was no longer from the sun.

“I think you can do your face,” Jeremy said in a rush. “I’ll go find you something to wear.”

Jean nodded, reaching for the aloe vera in Jeremy’s hands. Their fingers brushed and Jeremy pulled back sharply.

“I’ll be right back,” Jeremy squeaked and ran out the door.

Jean sat on the bed and willed himself back down. There was no way he was going to take care of things in Esther and Myrtle’s room after that had been so nice as to bring him here to recover.

There was barely enough time for some deep breathing before Jeremy was back, knocking softly on his way in. “I didn’t want to dig through your stuff too much and I didn’t know if you’d have anything comfy enough anyway so I brought this.”

Jean accepted the pile of clothing and unfolded each item. He recognized this outfit. It was Jeremy’s sad suit, made up of a pair of blue plaid pyjama pants and a soft long sleeve cotton shirt in mint green, both of them at least three sizes too big.

“I know it’s not your style but you really don’t want to be wearing anything tight or restricting until you’ve healed a little bit more,” Jeremy said, very carefully not looking at Jean.

Jean carefully pulled the clothes on and was pleasantly surprised when Jeremy was right. The fabric was soft and smooth and although movement was still sore, he was actually almost comfortable.

“Um...do you think you’re ok for supper or do you want to stay in and watch tv and wait for Myrtle and Esther to get back? Or do you want to just head to our cabin?” Jeremy asked.

Jean thought for a minute. “How about you grab a couple of sandwiches or something to bring to our room for supper soIi can take it easy?” he finally said. “And we could go to the movie night on the deck after sunset?”

Jeremy smiled. “Sounds perfect to me.”

* * *

Jeremy knew he should relax. Jean was fine, he was even smiling a little bit again. He moved slower than Jeremy had ever seen him and, even in the loose clothing, every movement was carefully premeditated.

“We can just watch a movie in our room,” Jeremy said. “You don’t have to do this for my sake if you’re not up to it.”

Jean looked at him like he had grown an extra head. “It’s just sore. I’ve played Exy on much worse.”

A picture flashed in Jeremy’s mind’s eye, Jean, the first time he’d seen him off the court. He well remembered the cuts and bruises, eyes and lips so swollen he was barely recognizable, and the implacable face that didn’t dare do so much as wince.

“I know,” Jeremy said slowly. “But just because you can push through the pain doesn’t mean you have to.”

Jean reached out carefully, clasping Jeremy’s shoulder tightly. “I know. And I’m working on it. But I’m really fine. I’ll just be sitting still all evening. If it makes you feel better, I won’t get up for anything and I’ll make you wait on me hand and foot.”

Jeremy allowed himself to relax a little bit. Sunburns happen all the time. Jean would be absolutely fine. “Ok, but you’re not getting up to do anything for any reason. I know you were joking but consider me your humble manservant for the night.”

Jean rolled his eyes but a dimple appeared in his left cheek. “Are you gonna carry me to the bathroom too?” he teased.

Jeremy’s face heated to rival Jean’s in colour. “Within reason,” he squawked.

When they got to the deck, Esther waved them over. “We saved you a seat,” she said, winking.

Jeremy got a little closer and saw why she was winking. She had saved them a seat...singular.

“Not two?” Jean asked, saving Jeremy from another embarrassed freak out.

Esther pointedly looked down at the way she and Myrtle were cozied up in one seat. “You’re going to let the boys sunburn rest on the scratchy deck chair when he could be leaning on you? Besides, now that the sun’s down, the temperature is going to drop fast. Trust me, you’ll want to be close.”

Jean shrugged and looked at Jeremy expectantly. Jeremy could feel his face turning beet red once more but he obediently sat on the chair and leaned back. Jean carefully maneuvered himself into a sitting position between Jeremy’s legs and, with just a momentary hesitation, leaned back on Jeremy’s chest. And as awkward as it was, Jeremy could feel himself slowly settling, enjoying the weight of Jean in his arms. So often, he felt like he was about to fly right out of his skin with anxiety and this was the most settled he had felt all day.

The deck lights went out and the movie started up on the screen.

“Moulin Rouge!,” Jeremy whispered just a little too loudly. “This is one of my favourites!”

“I’ve never seen it,” Jean confessed.

“Oh my god,” Jeremy said. “Prepare for your life to change cause this is happening!”

Jean chuckled a little under his breath. “We’ll see,” he said.

The first part of the movie was interspersed with Jean’s whispered comments about the madcap dance numbers and the weird covers, but as the story unfolded, Jean spoke less and less. The only indication Jeremy had of Jean’s reaction was one stifled, shuddered sob as Satine died in Christian’s arms. Jeremy held him closer.

When the movie was over, most of the guests got back and started to filter back to their rooms but Jean stayed, clutching tightly at Jeremy’s forearms. Esther and Myrtle yawned and sleepily gave them forehead kisses on their way to bed.

Jean gave no sign of moving and eventually Jeremy leaned over his shoulder and peered into his face. Jean’s face was wet with tears.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” Jeremy asked.

Jean breathed deeply. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“You can tell me…” Jeremy started but Jean was already struggling to his feet.

“I just want to go to bed,” he said over his shoulder as he carefully walked toward their room.

“Jean…” Jeremy called out.

“I mean it, I’m fine,” Jean said, pushing himself faster even though Jeremy could see the pain on his face. Jeremy took the hint and slowed down, letting Jean reach the room a hallway’s length ahead of him. He took his time getting to the room, stopping outside their door to take a deep breath of the sea air, and by the time he walked in, Jean was wrapped in blankets, his lamp was off, and he didn’t look up or acknowledge Jeremy’s presence.

Jeremy grabbed his pajamas from where he had dropped them and hustled into the bathroom, turning on the light after he closed the door behind him. He changed quickly and quietly and slipped back out. He crawled into bed beside Jean, making sure to leave a good foot of distance between them.

“I’m sorry,” Jeremy whispered. “I won’t push.”

Jean sighed and scooted back a little in the bed. Jeremy’s arm hesitantly went around him, making sure to give Jean ample time to push him away, but Jean just grabbed his hand and squeezed it for just a moment before moving it to rest on his stomach.

Jeremy sighed in relief and planted his forehead in the back of Jean’s neck and allowed himself to drift into sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Jean opened his eyes and immediately knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. Jeremy was in the same position they had fallen asleep in but it was suddenly way too much, even the light brush of fingertips against his skin itched and burned and Jeremy’s solid, sweaty weight at his back bound him to the bed. He could feel his breathing pick up and chills crawled like ants across his skin. It was torture trying to get out of Jeremy’s hold without waking the other man, but eventually he managed it and stumbled into the bathroom.

He winced at the harsh redness of his face in the mirror and pointedly looked away as he splashed water in his face. It woke him up, grounded him a little more in the present, but it wasn’t enough. He turned the shower on as cold as he could stand it and stood under the spray, even though it felt like hail on his tender skin. He was shivering by the time he dried off, put Jeremy’s clothes back on and walked back out into the room.

Jeremy stretched luxuriously, grinning at him sleepily from his cocoon of blankets. “Where’d you go?” he yawned. “Get back into bed. We don’t need to be up for hours.” He noticed Jean’s shivers and sat up, that wide-eyed look of concern stealing over his face. “Jean, what?...”

“I’m going for a run,” Jean said abruptly and hurried out the door without a backward glance. It was still cool and the sun was just peeping over the horizon when he left. He ran laps around the silent decks as it slowly rose and the sky went from deep purple to orange to bright sky blue.

He was considering heading back to his cabin for sunscreen when a hand reached out from the hallway. He flinched away violently, cowering away until he realized it was just Jeremy, already backing away with sunscreen in his hand.

“Sorry, I ...sorry,” Jeremy said. “I just didn’t want you to get another sunburn on top of the one you already have.”

Jean nodded and reached out his hand.

“Do you need some help?” Jeremy asked.

“No!” Jean half shouted. He winced when Jeremy jerked back again. “I’ve got it,” he continued, softer.

Jeremy nodded and put the tube of sunscreen in his hand. “I’m gonna...you know...breakfast,” he gestured awkwardly.

“Oh yeah, I’ll come find you,” Jean said, looking over Jeremy’s shoulder so he wouldn’t have to meet his eyes. He was pathetically grateful when he was alone on the deck again.

He took his time, hopping into the shower again to wash off the sweat and drying himself carefully. He looked into his luggage and frowned at the rows of black long-sleeved shirts. He sighed and glanced over at Jeremy’s open suitcase. One of Jeremy’s faded t-shirts was draped over the lid and he barely paused before picked it up and pulled it on. He then slathered every inch of exposed skin in the sunscreen. He stood in the middle of the room for a moment, just breathing, until he realized he couldn’t wait any longer. It was time to go and hang out with people.

He felt instantly guilty when he saw how Jeremy relaxed when he approached. That smile was sunshine itself.

Jeremy popped up and came over, still being careful to maintain his distance from Jean. “I didn’t get you anything yet because I wasn’t sure how long you would be, but tell me what you want and I’ll go get it for you.”

Jean thought about protesting but he could see the huge lineup by the buffet table and he couldn’t think of anything worse at this moment than having to stand in such close proximity to so many complete strangers. “Fruit? And maybe a pancake?”

Jeremy nodded and was off in a flash. Jean carefully made his way over to their table and sat down across from Esther.

“Ouch,” she winced as she looked at him. “That does not look fun.”

He shrugged. “It’s better than yesterday.”

She nodded sympathetically.

“Where’s Myrtle? Did she sleep in this morning?” he asked, looking around.

“Bad day,” Esther sighed. “She’s fine, I just need to give her some space.”

Jean nodded.

Esther peered at him knowingly over her sunglasses. “I’m a little surprised to see you this morning. I saw you up and running at the crack of dawn. Thought you might need a little time too.”

Jean ducked his head. “I’m fine.”

“If you’re sure,” she squinted at him. “But just because this is a couples cruise doesn’t mean you need to spend every moment together. If you need space, you can take it.”

Jean opened his mouth to thank her but Jeremy is already rushing back over, plate piled high with breakfast foods in his hands. “I thought you might be hungrier once you started eating and I didn’t want to have to get back in line if you were still hungry and I’ll totally eat anything you don’t finish,” Jeremy explained in a rush.

Jean chuckled and allowed himself to give into Jeremy’s pull and swayed into his shoulder. The incandescent grin it provoked was worth it. He could do this for Jeremy’s sake. He dug into the food. Now that he was smelling it, he realized he was starving. He polished off three pancakes, all the sausage and bacon, and most of the fruit, leaving the scrambled eggs, hashbrowns, and toast for Jeremy.

At last, he sat back and rubbed his stomach, pleasantly full and feeling a little sleepy again after his short, restless night.

Jeremy looked at him carefully. “Do you…are you...should we?” he trailed off.

Jean summoned his widest smile. “Nap?” he asked.

Jeremy smiled, “Together?” he asked hopefully.

Jean nodded, purposefully ignoring Jeremy’s sigh of relief.

Esther smiled at them. Jean realized that they had been ignoring her all through breakfast. “Sorry…” he began.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Esther grinned. “Who wants conversation at this time in the morning anyhow? I’m quite used to breakfast in silence.”

“Oh,” Jeremy said. “Well just let us know if we’re being rude.”

“Of course, do I look like the kind of person who would put up with any shit?” Esther raised her eyebrow and looked at them sternly.

“No, ma’am,” Jeremy jumped to his feet and saluted her.

“Damn queer,” she barked.

Jean and Jeremy both stopped and glanced at each other.

“You know I’ve never been damn straight in my life,” Esther winked. “Meet us on deck C after your nap?”

Jean was startled as a laugh burst out of him. “Yeah,” he found himself agreeing.

Jeremy reached out his hand for Jean to take and pulled him to his feet and then he just didn’t let go. He shifted his hand so their fingers were entwined and let Jean set the pace on the way back to the cabin.

Jean crawled into bed the moment they arrived and Jeremy carefully lay down on the other side, leaving a good foot of space between their bodies. Jean’s brain warred inside him for a brief instant, pitting his need for space against his desire to be touched.

Jean flipped over, facing Jeremy and his vulnerable eyes, lips red from biting them in uncertainty. He held out a hand in the space between them. Jean sighed. This was acceptable. He laced his fingers through Jeremy’s once more but maintained the careful distance between them. He closed his eyes and almost instantly dropped off to sleep.

* * *

Jeremy did not find it quite so easy to sleep. He felt super creepy staring at Jean while he slept but also didn’t want to shift too much and disturb him. He closed his eyes and it was almost worse. His entire focus narrowed to the points of contact between their palms and fingers and the soft wash of breath directly in his face. For the first time, he wondered if maybe this was a mistake, to let Jean so close, to pretend. He should get up, go for a run, put some distance between them before he wrecked their whole friendship. But he didn’t. He lay still, listening to Jean breathe until he woke up.

That shy smile briefly crossed Jean’s face again when he opened his eyes. And it really wasn’t fair that Jeremy was so totally hetero when boys could be so cute, or at least this boy. Jean’s hand tightened on his and Jeremy held his breath. He could swear Jean was leaning closer, or maybe he was just ducking his head. Did he want a forehead kiss? That was a thing friends did, right?

Before he could think better of it, he leaned forward and briefly pecked Jean on the forehead. Jean pulled back quickly, obviously startled, and Jeremy cursed at himself for reading the situation all wrong. But then Jean squeezed his hand and sighed. He didn’t smile again, but Jeremy saw the little cheek dimple that meant he was thinking about it and shut down his inner tirade.

“What time is it?” Jean yawned.

Jeremy rolled over and rummaged around for his phone. “A little after eleven,” he replied.

“We should get up,” Jean said, already rolling out of bed and onto his feet. He stretched and Jeremy was suddenly conscious that Jean was wearing his shirt, a shirt that was made to fit a much shorter torso.

“Yeah...yes, we should. Um…” Jeremy babbled.

“Are you still half asleep?” Jean gently teased.

Jeremy buried his face in his pillow. “Something like that,” he mumbled. Something flew out of nowhere and hit him in the stomach. Jeremy yelped and looked down to see that Jean had chucked a shoe at him.

Jeremy popped out of bed, fully intending to tackle Jean to the ground, but Jean flinched at his outstretched hands.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” For an instant, Jeremy thought he might be sick.

“No, it’s fine. I’m really fine,” Jean said, but the haunted look was back in his eyes and he didn’t reach out in Jeremy’s direction. “I just...I could still use a little space,” he admitted, eyes downcast.

“Yeah, oh, of course. Just say the word. I promise I won’t touch you until you tell me it’s safe...er...okay.”

Jean sighed in relief. “It’s not you, you have to know it’s not you.”

“Oh yeah, sure,” Jeremy forced his most reassuring smile onto his face.

“We should go,” Jean said.

“Sunscreen,” Jeremy reminded, tossing him the bottle from a safe distance.

“Thanks,” Jean slathered it quickly on his arms and face. “Lead the way.”

* * *

 

The nap helped. It really did. Jean did feel better. And Jeremy was close but not too close. But he could still feel something crawling under his skin. Jean ruthlessly shoved it down as he claimed his chair on the poolside deck. Whatever was going on with him could wait for another day. He was far more interested in watching Jeremy smile and have fun and finally relax. He was here as a favour to Jeremy, to help him forget Claire. He couldn’t lose sight of that now. It was time to put his all into making sure that Jeremy did not regret bringing him along.

“You look so intense and serious,” a voice came, startling him out of his thoughts. Myrtle set down her towel and a couple books and stretched out on the deck chair beside his.

“Just...thinking,” Jean explained.

“A worthy pastime, well sometimes,” Myrtle smiled softly. “Don’t spend so much time thinking that you ignore the things right in front of your face.” She looks pensive for a moment before turning and rummaging through her bag. She holds a book out to him.

The cover is worn and patched. Jean can tell it has been read many times. “Howl’s Moving Castle?”

“I know, it looks like a kid’s book. But this book is great for when you’re stuck in your head but still can’t handle the thought of being around people.” Myrtle patted his hand and winked.

“Thank you.” Jean wondered if he should say more but Myrtle picked up her book and started reading, ignoring him completely.

Jean was all set to follow suit but a little hand patted his chest.

“Excuse me, mister,” a little voice interrupted his thoughts.

Jean looked up and saw a little girl standing over him, probably not more than six years old. She had black hair pulled back from her face in a messy, curly ponytail and a cute pink one piece bathing suit. Her skin was impossibly even redder than his own. “Hello?”

“I gots a sunburn too!” she announced proudly.

“I see that,” Jean replied.

She smiled and crawled up onto the deck chair beside him, looking at the book over his shoulder. “Is that a good story?”

Jean was instantly out of his depth. He looked over at Myrtle for help but she kept her nose firmly in her book, even though she couldn’t quite hide her shaking shoulders.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “The nice lady beside us gave it to me to read but I haven’t started it yet.”

She patted his shoulder. “I’m so glad you gots friends. I don’t gots friends.”

“Oh,” Jean said awkwardly.

“What’s your name?” she asked.

“It’s Jean,” he said.

“I know!” she said. “You can be my friend!”

“Oh! Uh…” Jean looked around. “Um, where are your parents? It’s just they might not want you to be friends with me.”

The little girl sighed, leaning back on his shoulder. “I’m a burden,” she said.

“What? No! Who said that?” Jean sat up.

“Frank did,” she said.

“Ok,” Jean was not ready for this. “Let’s go talk to them. I want to be your friend but I don’t want them to be mad at me.”

The girl rolled her eyes and it reminded him so much of Alvarez that he felt a laugh bubbling up without warning.

“Fine,” she clambered down off the deck chair and held her hand out to him. “You’ll see.”

Jean took her hand and followed her over to a couple that was attached at the mouth and ignoring everyone and everything going on around them.

“Uh, hi,” Jean interrupted them.

“What do you want?” The woman glared up at him as the man she’s with continued to kiss down her neck.

“Uh, your daughter came over to make friends with me and I thought I might introduce myself in case you were worried,” Jean put his best media smile on his face.

“Chanel! I told you to go make friends with the old lady over there,” the woman scolded.

“But we’re sunburn buddies,” Chanel said like that explained everything.

“Whatever, I don’t have the energy to fight with you. Try not to be a nuisance,” the woman dismissed her.

“I’ll keep her in sight,” Jean said. “You don’t have to worry. And we can be near Myrtle if that makes you feel better. She’s a friend of mine.”

“Whatever,” the woman went back to her lover like nothing had happened and Jean stood there with Chanel’s hand in his wondering if he needed to do more.

“Come on,” Chanel tugged on his hand. “Let’s do something fun.”

Jean smiled at her and followed her obediently to the edge of the pool. Jeremy immediately swam over to introduce himself.

“Chanel, this is my...Jeremy,” Jean said awkwardly.

“Ooh, is he your boyfriend?” she asked.

“I am.” Jeremy beamed at her. “Chanel is a really cool name!”

“Mommy said it made us sound rich,” Chanel said. “And then she married Frank and he has loads of money so I guess it worked.”

Jeremy and Jean looked at each other, not sure how they were expected to respond.

“Cool,” Jeremy finally said.

“I don’t wants to talk.” Chanel screwed up her face in disgust. “Let’s play a game!”

“What game?” Jeremy asked.

She looked at him for a second before leaping off the edge of the pool and onto Jeremy’s shoulders, driving him under the water with no time to prepare.

Before Jean could think what to do, he found himself in the pool with them, dragging Jeremy back to the surface.

“I dunked you!” Chanel crowed.

Jeremy sputtered, spitting out water and coughing. “You sure did,” he wheezed.

Chanel wasted no time, leaping from Jeremy’s shoulders and into Jean’s arms. He managed to prepare enough that she didn’t dunk him too.

“Madeleine, tiens-toi bien!” he scolded playfully, then froze, suddenly overcome by memories he had forgotten, a little girl, mud on her best dress, holding his hand and dragging him to the pond, mischievous eyes, wild tangled hair, and always an adoring smile for her favourite big brother in the whole wide world.

“You talk funny,” Chanel giggled. It was enough to pull himself out of his head. Jeremy was looking at him oddly but didn’t say anything.

“Don’t you know any games?” she whined.

“I do.” Jeremy smirked, looking at Jean in a way that simultaneously turned his throat into a desert and reddened his cheeks. “You need to come over here though.”

Chanel turned in Jean’s arms and leapt across the short distance between them, winding her arms around his neck like a little monkey.

“Keepaway!” Jeremy shouted, sending a huge wave of water into Jean’s face and turning and swimming across the pool, Chanel in his arms.

“I don’t know this game,” Jean shouted after Jeremy.

“It’s easy! I try to keep her away from you and you try to keep her away from me,” Jeremy shouted back while Chanel giggled like a tiny madwoman.

Jean’s horror must show clearly on his face because Jeremy hurried to reassure him. “We’re not going to fight over her. Just chase me. If you catch me, I’ll pass her to you and give you a headstart. Good?”

Jean noddedd and Jeremy returned to his mad dash across the pool. Jean used his feet to propel himself off the wall toward them, swimming with powerful strokes under the water. Jeremy had his feet planted on the floor and his running speed was no match for Jean. He grabbed for Jeremy’s ankles and yanked, pulling him under the water. He remembered belatedly that it meant he was dunking Chanel too but he resurfaced to see that Jeremy had let her go and she was paddling around on the surface and giggling with glee. He snatched her up and her arms went tight around his neck and he was off across the pool before Jeremy got his feet under him and started yelling about the injustice.

Jean felt a bubble of laughter well up inside of him and couldn’t think of a single reason to choke it back. He was good at this game. Chanel changed hands a few more times but she definitely spent most of the time held securely in Jean’s arms. The time before lunch passed in a flash and Jean realized he was ravenous. He was sorry to return Chanel to her distracted mother but he felt a little more settled in his skin as he unthinkingly reached for Jeremy’s hand as they went to their cabin to change for lunch.

Jean unashamedly stole another one of Jeremy’s shirts to wear to lunch. Jeremy rolled his eyes at him but there was an unfamiliar heat in his gaze that Jean was still too fragile to acknowledge. It didn’t stop him from latching on to Jeremy’s hand for the walk to lunch.

Esther smirked at them when they arrived at the table. “How was playtime?”

“Oh gosh,” Jeremy gushed. “I honestly don’t know the last time I had that much fun.”

“Me too,” Jean agreed, rubbing his thumb over Jeremy’s.

“Do you know what that girl is doing here?” Jeremy plopped down at the table, dragging Jean down with him. “I thought this cruise was couples only.”

“Oh, you know rich people,” Esther began. She shot a quick glance at Myrtle. “No offense dear.”

“Oh, I don’t disagree,” Myrtle patted her wife’s shoulder fondly.

“Her mother just married that guy she’s with, Fred?” Esther continued.

“Frank, my dear,” Myrtle interrupted.

“Yes, I know, you don’t give a damn,” Esther smirked.

Jeremy choked on a sip of water.

“Anyway, this was supposed to be their honeymoon but their nanny quit at the last minute and they couldn’t get anyone at the last minute so they ended up throwing money at the cruise ship til they let the little darling on board. And since then they’ve been pawning her off on whoever they can, poor thing. She sure took a shine to you, Jean.” Esther reached over and patted his hand.

Jean blushed a little.

“Mr Jean, can I eat with you?” a voice sounded at his elbow.

Jean turned, a smile already on his face, to see Chanel and her mother standing behind him. “Uh sure, if it’s okay with your mother.” He looked up at her.

“Whatever,” she said, picking at the edge of her shocking hot pink nails. “I’ll collect her around bedtime.”

“Bedtime?” Jeremy asked, but she was already heading to her table to meet her new husband.

Chanel’s face fell as she watched her mother go without a backward glance.

“Did she say bedtime?” Jeremy whispered to Jean.

Myrtle stood instantly and helped the little girl into her chair. “My dear, I bet your mommy saw how much fun you were having with these boys here and didn’t want you to be bored with her and Frank.”

“Yeah,” Chanel said, not looking quite convinced.

“Ok, Chanel,” Jeremy dropped Jean’s hand and stood. “I have a very important job for you.”

“What is it?” she asked, already bouncing back to her regular effervescent self.

“Well, I told Mr Jean that I was going to wait on him hand and foot until his sunburn was all better and so I need to go get food for him for lunch. Do you think you can help me pick out the things that he will like best?” Jeremy winked at her.

“Yes! I’m super good at helping with food!” Chanel jumped up, latching onto Jeremy’s hand.

Jean took a breath, relieved that Jeremy was walking away and not looking back to see the look on his face at seeing the gentle way Jeremy held Chanel’s hand. If things had been different, if Jean hadn’t had his life stolen away by the Moriyamas and their obsession, this could have been Jeremy with Madeleine. Except no. Jean’s breath came quicker. Madeleine was thirteen now. She was no longer a child. She had grown up and moved on without him. He’d missed it. Did she even remember him now?

A touch on his hand broke the hold of the monstrous...thing building inside him.

“Do you need to go back to your cabin, dear?” Myrtle asked in a low voice.

Jean sucked in a deep breath before answering. “No, I’m fine.”

“We’ll all understand, even your young man,” she said.

But Jeremy was already on his way back, a heaping plate in each hand. Chanel skipped along beside him, her own plate balanced precariously in her hands. Miraculously, she made it to the table with plate intact. Jean politely ignored the dinner roll sitting forlornly on the deck about halfway from the buffet line.

Jeremy was laughing so hard his hands were shaking. Jean reached out to guide the plates that last little bit to the table.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

Jeremy showed him the plate. All the food had been arranged into an obvious smiley face.

“It’s lunch!” bellowed Chanel, “and it’s happy to see you.”

Jean rolled his eyes but smiled and started eating, letting the laughter at the table, Jeremy’s in particular, lift him out of his funk. He shoved down every thought of the lost years and forced himself into the present. If there ever was a time to live in the moment, this was it.

* * *

Jeremy knew he was staring at Jean but that knowledge wasn’t enough to make him stop. He couldn’t figure this man out. First he had been so jumpy all day, and he had been shutting everyone out. He had been awkward with Chanel at first, like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep her at arm’s length or adopt her, but now he was relaxed, listening to the girl tell a story with full attention. Jeremy swore he had seen more smiles out of Jean in the last half hour than he had seen in their entire career together. He would have been jealous if half of those smiles hadn’t been directed over Chanel’s head at him.

Jeremy marveled, as he often did, just how a smile could transform a face. Jean was all hard angles, razor sharp edges, like he was carved with mathematical precision from a block of marble, beautiful but cold and unattainable. But this Jean, smiling and laughing, was warm dimpled cheeks and soft curved mouth that he wanted...he wanted to…

Esther snorted and Jeremy looked up. She was looking at him pointedly with a smug grin on her face. He turned red to the roots of his hair and started shoveling food in so fast he choked.

“Mon coeur, are you alright,” Jean turned to him and asked. Jeremy wanted to sink into the warmth of Jean’s hand on his shoulder.

“Uh...yeah, I’m good. I just need...uh...bathroom.” Jeremy jumped up and fled the table.

He waited in the bathroom for quite some time, trying to make sense of the world he was in. It was just logical. He had just gotten out of a long relationship. He was in this hugely romantic setting where everyone thought they were a couple and they had to perform as if they were together. If they had been on a singles cruise, Jeremy would probably be trying to rebound, especially with someone completely unlike Claire. He was just projecting on the closest single person around. And he cared about Jean a lot. He was just confusing good friendship for romance and that was all it was, all it ever could be. Jeremy had way too much respect for Jean to turn him into the rebound girl. He just had to remain strong and get through this cruise. He and Jean would go back to normal once they were no longer pretending.

“Jeremy? Are you alright in there?” Jean’s muffled voice came through the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jeremy squeaked. “We’ve just been eating a lot of greasy food and my digestive system doesn’t like it.” There, he couldn’t think of anything less sexy than greasy diarrhea.

“Do you want us to wait for you?” Jean asked.

“No, I’m good, Just taking my time and making sure I get it all out,” Jeremy said, trying to sound cheerful.

“Ok, um, we’re going to the rec room on Deck C to ‘get our art on.’”

Jeremy stifled a giggle. He could practically hear the air quotes. “I’ll join you as soon as I’m done in here.”

“Ok, uh, good luck?” Jean said.

A moment later, Jeremy heard a thunk on the door. “Jean?”

“Still here,” Jean groaned. “Uh...I’m just gonna leave now.”

Jeremy walked to the sink and splashed his face with water. He looked at the clock on the wall, wondering if he should go out and join them. He had no idea how much time he’d been in there already, hopefully long enough it was believable but not so long they thought he needed medical attention.

When he reached the rec room, he had to stop at the door again to compose himself. Chanel was comfortably seated on Myrtle’s lap and Jean had scootched his chair right up beside them and all three of their heads were bent over a large sheet of paper. Jeremy leaned against the door frame to watch.

“Why are you making all of the flowers red?” Chanel asked, snatching the marker out of Jean’s hand.

“Uh, team colours?” Jean said.

“What team?” Chanel furrowed her brow.

“The...the USC Trojans,” Jean hesitated, probably not enough for Chanel to notice, but Jeremy wondered.

“Oh, they’re good players but their captain doesn’t know how to use them.” Chanel smiled.

“What?” Jeremy stumbled into the room, barely noticing that Jean echoed his sentiment.

Chanel shrank back from them. “That’s what Frank says,” she explained. “He said the captain is an idiot and they never should have lost to a shitty team like the Foxes.”

“Chanel,” Jean said gently, “Jeremy is the captain of the Trojans.”

“Oh.” Her eyebrows shot up. “But you’re not an idiot!” she jumped up and ran to hug Jeremy around the stomach.

“Uh, thanks.” Jeremy carefully extricated himself and sat on the other side of Jeremy at the table. “What else does Frank say?”

“He says the Ravens were robbed,” she recited.

“Raven’s fan? Maybe Frank’s the idiot,” Jeremy muttered.

Myrtle laughed a little. “Jeremy, even if it’s true, you shouldn’t say it.”

Chanel thought for a second. “I guess red is a good colour for the flowers,” she said, pushing the marker back into his hand.

Jean smiled at her before bending back over the paper in front of them. Jeremy finally looked down at the picture unfolding in front of them. Chanel’s part looked somewhat as he expected, a mostly recognizable green cat with legs of varying lengths and a scarecrow figure all in black that he suspected might be Jean.

Jean’s section was...surprising. He had taken over a large corner of the paper and it was nothing but a tangle of flowers, mostly red with a few yellow interspersed but all artistically drawn and beautiful.

Of course it was nothing compared to the princess castle Myrtle had sketched. Even with just rough lines and minimal detail, Jeremy could see what it was becoming. Myrtle had a gift. “That’s incredible, Myrtle,” he grinned. “You’re quite the artist.”

“Me? No, it’s just a hobby,” Myrtle blushed, looking pleased.

“I always tell her she should sell her paintings,” Esther piped up from her corner. “She was studying art in university.”

Jeremy glanced over at Esther’s work. It was a riot of coloured patches with no rhyme or reason. “Uh, yours is nice too,” he said.

“Oh hush,” Esther argued. “It’s barely anything at all. Myrtle got all the artistic talent in this relationship. Is that the same with your Jean?”

Jeremy blushed to think of calling Jean his Jean. “I mean, I can draw a mean stick figure.”

Chanel shoved a green marker into his hand. “You can draw the grass. Don’t mess it up.”

Jean honest-to-god giggled and Jeremy meekly started drawing short green lines at the bottom of the picture. He peeked over at Jean who was looking at him with a fond expression in his eyes. Seriously, how did Jean get to be such a good actor? If he didn’t know better, the butterflies in his stomach would be going crazy at that look. Impulsively, he planted a quick peck on the corner of Jean’s mouth before he could think better of it.

Jean looked startled but didn’t pull away and Jeremy leaned his shoulder a little closer before returning to the picture.

They spent the next hour or so in comfortable silence. Myrtle left the shape of the castle for Chanel to colour in and moved on to drawing the rest of their group. Jeremy had long left his straggly line of grass behind to watch the smooth strokes of her pencil as his surprisingly lifelike face took shape on the page.

After a while Chanel leaned back and snuggled down into Myrtle’s arms. “Can I call you Grandma?” she asked.

“Oh, well I would love that,” Myrtle blushed.

“I don’t have a grandma,” Chanel explained. “I was hoping Frank’s mom would let me call her Grandma but she says children are disgusting creatures. And Mommy says her mom is a bitch and needs to learn to mind her own business.”

“Oh.” A look of understanding crosses Myrtle’s face. “Let me tell you a secret. Sometimes the family you choose for yourself is better than the family you’re born with. Some of my kids don’t call me mommy anymore and I have grandchildren that they won’t let me meet. But I have Esther, and now I have these boys, and I have you, and that means I have the best family in the world.”

Chanel reached over and hugged Myrtle. “You can be Grammy,” she nodded before looking at Esther, making sure not to leave her out, “and you can be Gramma” she said before returning to the picture.


	6. Chapter 6

Supper was a loud affair. Jean thought he had been doing fine all day. They had been the only ones in the recreation room and it had been mostly uneventful. But the moment they approached the dining hall, he knew he was going to need to cut the meal short. Loud music made it hard to talk. The hall had been decorated for the meal with giant, colourful wreaths of flowers on every chair and every table and hanging from the fucking ceiling.

He sat down in the chair, a headache already starting to pound behind his eyes, and put his head in his hands.

“And what shall I get for you, sir?” A voice asked at his elbow, startling him. Jean looked at Jeremy pleadingly.

“He’ll have the soup and salad,” Jeremy cut in smoothly. “And just water to drink. And I’ll have the steak, medium rare with mashed potatoes and coke to drink.”

Jean sighed and put his head back down.

“Do you want to go back to our room?” Jeremy asked softly, making him flinch away again.

“No, no, I’m fine. I can handle supper. But maybe I’ll stay in this evening and read?” Jean leaned his head into Jeremy’s side and sighed in relief as it muffled the sound in one ear. Jeremy wrapped his arm around Jean’s head to cover the other ear and made it even better.

By the time the waiter arrived with their meals, he was feeling settled enough to sit up and rejoin the conversation. Myrtle and Esther were watching him with concern in their eyes but he smiled at them and gave them a thumbs up.

The soup was a spicy thai soup with chicken and coconut and it paired well with the garden salad and even though the music was awful and loud, it meant that he didn’t have to make any attempt at conversation.

Near the end of the meal, a man stood up who Jean had never seen before. “Ladies and Gentlemen, practice your pucker because it is time for our Cruise Kissing Contest! I need ten couples to volunteer or be nominated,” he shouted into a microphone.

Jean winced and tried to catch Jeremy’s eye. He was definitely ready to leave.

But before he could express that to Jean, Chanel jumped out of her seat and shouted. “Mr Jean and Mr Jeremy! Mr Jean and Mr Jeremy!”

“Jean and Jeremy, come on down!” The man grinned a perfect grin and beckoned in their general direction.

Jeremy was already bouncing to his feet, his pre-game competitive face already painting his features.

Jean grabbed his wrist before he could get too far. “Jeremy, this is a kissing contest,” he muttered into Jeremy’s ear, pulling him close so no one could read his lips.

“Yeah, so?” Jeremy asked, grinning.

“We’ve never kissed before,” Jean whispered. “What if they can tell?”

“We’ve kissed other people and, not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty damn good at it. You scared, Moreau?” Jeremy’s lips brushed Jean’s ear and Jean shivered, a mixture of anticipation and dread in the pit of his stomach.

“Me? Scared?” Jean gave in to the anticipation. “Never. It’s just...we can’t go back on this.”

“No regrets,” Jeremy whispered. He pecked Jean briefly on the lips. “There, now it won’t be our first.”

Jean, stunned, could do nothing but follow him down toward the stage area, his hand still clasped tight around Jeremy’s wrist.

While they were arguing, the man with the microphone had found the other nine couples and they were also making their way down to the front. Jean noticed Frank and Chanel’s mom among the couples.

“Now that we’ve got everyone here, I’m going to explain the rules. Basically, there are no rules. Show us your best kiss. The winner will be decided by audience approval so cheer loud for your favourites! Ready, set, KISS!”

Jeremy reached out with gentle hands and cradled Jean’s face. “May I?” he asked.

Nothing in the world could have given Jean the strength to say no. He closed his eyes, leaning into the warmth of Jeremy’s palms and leaned forward. It started slow, just a press of mouth against mouth. It wasn’t enough. Jean reached up with his own hands, threaded them through Jeremy’s curls, and tugged him closer. It seemed to ignite something in Jeremy because suddenly they were kissing like they were drowning, sharing oxygen, like life began and ended at this one point between them. Acting on instinct, Jean ran his hands down over Jeremy’s shoulders to his waist and he was dipping him effortlessly.

 

 

A throat clearing beside them brought them out of it. Jean carefully set Jeremy back on his feet. And they turned back to the announcer.

“Uh...you won,” he said. Then he turned back to the cheering crowd. “And what have they won? A special dinner on whatever night they choose to be served in their cabin and anything else they need for the perfect romantic evening!”

Jean accepted the certificate from the announcer’s hand and then finally looked at Jeremy. He regretted it instantly. The other man’s lips were red and swollen. His hair was a mess of curls and all Jean could think about was taking him immediately to bed. He looked back toward their table, saw the smirks on both Esther and Myrtle’s faces and he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go back to the table and pretend that nothing had happened, that his world hadn’t been completely changed from one moment to the next. And it wasn’t Jeremy’s fault, he didn’t want Jeremy to think it was his fault, but everything he’d been pushing down all day refused to be ignored any longer. The lights were so bright. They burned his fragile skin. The flowers on every table were stabbing him in the eyes and the music was forcing his brain to dance with its rhythm and he didn’t know if his shrinking skull could possibly contain it.

“I have to go,” Jean choked out. “I...I’m sorry.” And he fled the room, not stopping until he’s in their room. And then everywhere he looked, he saw Jeremy and he could hear footsteps in the hallway and he just couldn’t face him right now. He loved him. He was in love with this beautiful golden boy and he could not bear the thought of looking into Jeremy’s eyes and knowing that the kiss was just a joke, just a way to save face, or his competitive nature winning over his good sense.

So Jean darted into the bathroom. He did a quick sweep, tossing everything that is Jeremy’s onto the carpet in the room, his shampoo from the shower, his toothbrush and toothpaste beside the sink, even the still damp towel from his earlier shower. He locked the bathroom door just as he heard Jeremy come into the room.

“Jean?” Jeremy’s voice was muffled through the door. “Can I...what can I do?”

Jean opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He had no idea what he can say to make this better. His breath was still coming too quickly to let him speak anyway.

He heard a thump against the door and he swore he could feel warmth coming through the thin wood. “I’ll be right here if you need me,” Jeremy said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He wasn’t sure how many hours passed then, sharp shuddery breaths tearing through his chest, face buried in his knees to keep out even the hint of light, but Jeremy never left. Finally, he realized he could speak.

“You should go to bed,” he rasped.

“Not without you,” Jeremy said. Jean could almost see the look on his face, eyebrows down, mouth set in an uncompromising curve.

“I just need space,” Jean said. “I was pushing myself because I wanted to be a good boyfriend…”

“You’re the best boyfriend!” Jeremy interrupted.

Jean felt a tiny smile soften the edges of his panic. “Can you give me my book? The one Myrtle lent me?”

“Yeah, sure!” Jeremy jumped into action. Jean heard a few rustles through the door and more than one thing being thrown until there was a soft thump outside the door. “I got a you a few things so you can be comfortable in there.”

Jean carefully climbed to his feet and reached for the doorknob but he hesitated, breath coming quicker as he thought of seeing Jeremy right now. “Uh...can you go outside to the hallway?” he asked, overwhelmed by guilt that he couldn’t remove this barrier between them, even for a second.

“Oh, god, yes, whatever you need,” Jeremy said. Jean didn’t breathe until he heard Jeremy close the door behind him. Then he yanked the door open, grabbed the pile of stuff outside the door, and retreated to his sanctuary, heart hammering in his chest. The book was on top of the pile but Jeremy had also included a bottle of water, Jean’s favourite orange gummies from Jeremy’s secret candy stash, a pillow, the quilt from the end of the bed, and the hoodie Jeremy had been wearing during the movie night. Jean braced himself for the panic on seeing it but instead, the smell of it grounded him. Gratefully he slipped it on and wrapped his arms around himself, sighing into the softness. Something hard was in the pocket and he reached in to find a small flashlight. Another smile was pulled out of him as he realized he wouldn’t have to turn on the bright overhead lights in order to read.

He looked around for a moment before setting his pillow in the bathtub, wrapping himself in the quilt, and climbing in. He cracked open the book and lost himself in the story. It was nothing like he had ever read but he immediately knew why she had given it to him. He knew what that felt like, turning old before his time, allowing the circumstances of his life to lock him into a person he wasn’t meant to be. But Sophie found love, family, purpose, and it allowed her to become her truest self. He read the last page and turned again to the first, not ready to let the story go just yet.

Jeremy knocked on the door as Jean was turning back to the beginning for the third time. He was startled to realize he had been reading all night.

“I brought you some breakfast,” Jeremy said. “I’m going to leave the room for half an hour so don’t worry about taking your time getting it.”

Jean waited until he heard the door again before uncurling from his position in the bathtub and standing. His spine popped and he groaned and stretched before opening the door. A pile of food was on the plate at his feet, all of it finger food, chunks of fruit, toast, bacon, and boiled eggs. He closed the door again, leaving it unlocked this time, and curled back up in the bathtub with his plate on his knees. He ate absentmindedly as he continued to read and was surprised a short time later to realize that the plate was empty. He set it down on the floor and tried to keep reading but the combination of the warmth, the full stomach, and the sleepless night meant he drifted off peacefully not long after.

 

 

* * *

Jeremy was definitely going to be crazy by the end of this. He sat on the bed, tearing up a cruise brochure into smaller and smaller pieces. All he could do was stare at the closed bathroom door, wishing he had x-ray vision, or something, anything that could possibly help. He had to admit, it was doing his head in a little bit that the last thing that had happened before Jean had locked himself away had been that kiss. He never should have pushed. He should have seen the discomfort on Jean’s face and bowed out, but some small part of himself just had to know what it felt like. Why that was, he refused to think about at all. Esther had talked him down from his panic last night but he could still feel it, flitting under his skin like a neurotic hummingbird.

It had been quiet in there for a long time. Before he could hear the sounds of movement, pages turning, the occasional sneeze, but now there was nothing. He was up and across the room before he realized his intentions. He didn’t think Jean was suicidal but suddenly he was terrified that somehow he had lost his best friend while he sat uselessly outside the door. He could have cried when the doorknob turned in his hand. He held his breath and peeked around the door. Jean was asleep in the bathtub, book propped open on his chest, empty plate on the floor at his side. As Jeremy watched, he stirred a little, rubbing his nose and adjusting his head to a more comfortable position.

A huge rush of relief swept through Jeremy. He closed the door as silently as he opened it and went back to sit on the bed. This time he pulled out his laptop and queued up the next episode of Brooklyn 99. Jean was slowly coming back to him. He could stand down, make it a warm and safe place for Jean to return to once he felt comfortable.

It was still a few hours before Jean came out. Esther had stopped by with another basket of food and Jeremy was just deciding if he should knock on the bathroom door when it creaked open and Jean came out, shoulders hunched, wrapped up tight in Jeremy’s hoodie and the quilt. Jeremy smiled carefully, making sure not to be too exuberant or loud. He inclined his head to indicate the open spot beside him on the bed.

Jean sighed, tension leaving him in an instant. He settled himself on the bed and pulled the basket of food to rest between them. Jeremy pretended to focus on the show even though he was very aware of Jean’s hand digging through the basket between them and how easy it would be to reach in and hold his hand.

They ate in silence for the length of an episode, Jean occasionally huffing at a funny scene. Then Jean carefully picked up the empty basket and set it on the floor. He scooted across half the distance in between them and looked at Jeremy. Jeremy finally met his eyes and could have cried in relief that nothing had changed. He shifted over the remaining distance and leaned his shoulder into Jean’s. Jean’s arm went around him and his hand threaded through Jeremy’s curls. And they both relaxed into each other. Jeremy’s head drifted lower until he could hear Jean’s steady heartbeat.

They didn’t speak. They didn’t have to, not today. They fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.


	7. Chapter 7

The alarm on Jeremy’s phone went off far too soon. Why Jeremy had even set an alarm was completely beyond Jean’s comprehension.

“Why?” he croaked, pulling Jeremy’s arms tighter around his waist.

“Oh, we’re hiking on Maui today! If we don’t get up and go, we’re going to be stuck on the beaches all day.” Jeremy rolled out of bed and Jean rolled with him, chasing after the warmth and comfort.

“Stay.” If he was more awake, he might have been ashamed of the whine in his voice. But at this moment, he was prepared to pay whatever price for just a few more minutes.

Jeremy groaned. “Come on. We can stay in bed all day tomorrow if you want, but this is the only land day and I don’t want to miss it.”

Jean blinked his eyes open and rubbed away the sleep from his eyes. Jeremy looked like a sad puppy and Jean couldn’t take it. “Fine.” He gave in, rolling out of bed. He dug around in his suitcase, looking for something to wear. He had packed one lighter long sleeve shirt that would have to do but he looked in despair at his stack of black jeans. He turned to Jeremy, mouth opening to ask when a wad of cloth hit him in the face. He pulled them away to realize it was a pair of Jeremy’s more sedate looking board shorts.

“Thanks.” Jean pulled them on and turned to look at Jeremy.

“What do you think?” Jeremy asked. He was dressed in bright orange hawaiian print shorts and was holding up a bright blue tie-dye shirt and another one that was an intense shade of green. “Which one should I wear.”

“Can I say neither?” Jean asked sincerely.

“Haha, no,” Jeremy replied.

“Then wear the blue because absolutely no one should ever see you in green and orange like a heathen.” Jean gently hip checked Jeremy as he walked past him toward the bathroom to brush his teeth.

“Sunscreen,” Jeremy reminded.

Jean nodded and reached for it after rinsing and spitting in the sink. He rubbed it on his arms first and noticed the red was really fading. He had a couple of dry spots here and there and when he rubbed them, they started peeling, showing his original pale white underneath. The least this sunburn could have done was given him the first tan of his life.

“Let’s go,” Jeremy bounced on the balls of his feet by the doorway. “The hike leaves at 9:30 and it’s already 9.”

Jean rolled his eyes fondly but hurried.

They ran into Esther and Myrtle on the dock. Myrtle’s face brightened when she saw Jean but Esther just looked annoyed.

“Good morning!” Jeremy said, grinning from ear to ear.

“Is it?” Esther pouted.

“What’s the matter,” Jean asked.

“Oh don’t mind her, she’s throwing a fit is all. Ignore her and it will blow over.” Myrtle shook her head and looked pointedly at her wife.

“I don’t see why you can’t just come on the full waterfall tour. It’s only a couple hours longer,” Esther griped.

“Right, a couple more hours. On these knees?” Myrtle sassed back. “You’ll still get to see two waterfalls and there is plenty of time for jumping in and lots of opportunities for me to rest.”

“Who picks seeing two waterfalls when they have the chance of seeing five? I might die before we ever make it back to Hawaii and I haven’t seen nearly enough waterfalls in my lifetime. Would you have me die unfulfilled?” Esther clutched at Jeremy’s arm. “You understand, don’t you dear?”

“Well...I want to see all five,” Jeremy began. His face went white when Myrtle shot a glare at him. “But I’m not getting in the middle of this,” he added hastily.

“Dear, you’re being dramatic. We’re going to miss the start of both the hikes and we won’t see any waterfalls.” Myrtle patted Esther on the arm.

“The very idea! I, a lesbian, have never been dramatic a day in my life.” Esther half swooned in Jeremy’s arms.

“Excuse me,” Jean interrupted, “but I believe I have a solution. I can accompany Myrtle on the shorter hike and Jeremy, you go with Esther. I’m not a particularly avid hiker and I don’t want to overdo it after the day I had yesterday.”

Jeremy was opening his mouth to protest but concern instantly crossed his face. “I’m sorry, I thought you’d be up for it. We can all go on the shorter hike.”

“No!” Esther jumped in.

“No,” Jean echoed her. “Enjoy the hike. I know how much you’re looking forward to it. Myrtle and I can go together.”

Jeremy stepped closer to speak privately to Jean. “Are you sure? Is it that you don’t want to go or that you don’t want to go with me?”

Jean impulsively lifted his hand to brush a wayward curl off Jeremy’s forehead. “I’m sure. We still have time. The cruise isn’t over yet. I’ll see you back on the ship later this afternoon.” Feeling brave, he leaned down and brushed his lips over Jeremy’s forehead. Jeremy went red and nodded.

“Don’t want to break up your moment but we need to get going,” Esther grabbed Jeremy’s arm to drag him off the dock to the shuttle that was going to take them to the trailhead.

“Now, how are you, dear? Feeling better?” Myrtle asked Jean once they all settled into their seats. Esther and Myrtle faced forward and Jean and Jeremy took the two seats facing them.

“I meant to thank you for the book,” Jean said. “I read it a few times yesterday. It was...helpful.”

“I’m glad,” Myrtle reached across and patted his cheek. “I must have read it a dozen times when it first came out. Of course, I had to go the long way round. I got old naturally and then I found the life I was missing. I hope you find yours without all the fuss and bother.”

Jean smiled and knocked his shoulder into Jeremy’s. He didn’t bother to move away again. They travelled in silence except for the occasional exclamation at the beautiful scenery on the side of the road.

They separated at the trailhead. The two hikes were heading off in opposite directions. There was a short spiel by their guide and then they were off. There were ten other people on the hike so Jean hung back a little with Myrtle so they wouldn’t bother the rest of the group.

“So,” he began, “what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Pardon me?” Myrtle asked.

“Your little fight this morning. It was all too obvious that you were trying to separate us so you could talk to us one-on-one. You know, don’t you.” Jean raised his eyebrow and tried to look severe.

“I told Esther not to overdo it,” Myrtle sighed. “That girl does not know the meaning of subtlety.”

“Ah, well I think she fooled Jeremy,” Jean smirked.

“Ah yes, the boy who thinks he is straight,” Myrtle chuckled.

“Thinks?” Jean asked. “Jeremy is straight.”

Myrtle laughed. “Wouldn’t want to spoil the ending, my dear. But I digress. I wanted to share my story. I thought maybe you might understand.”

Jean laughed, a little nervous. “I doubt they’re that similar.”

“Why don’t you listen and then tell me.” She paused and waited for Jean’s nod before continuing. “You already know that Esther and I fell in love in college and that my parents opposed it. They had arranged a much more advantageous marriage for me to a young man whose parents went to the same country club.

“He wasn’t a bad man for the most part. Sometimes I really could convince myself I loved him. And the way I’d been raised, well I’d had an etiquette tutor since I was four and I didn’t know how to be anything but proper. Esther unlocked something in me. Suddenly I wanted things I couldn’t have dreamed of. I wanted to try everything, go everywhere. My life had been so small up to that point and she was bringing me into this huge world I couldn’t have imagined.

“My parents were horrified of course. After I ran away from school and was brought back by the private eye, they wouldn’t let me out of their sight. I didn’t spend another moment alone until my wedding day and by then, it was too late.

“So I gave in. I became the perfect little wife, never outspoken, just charmingly silent. And of course, Albert never hit me or even raised his voice, but he would allow no disagreement. And he had this way of challenging everything I knew to be true and making me doubt my own judgement. And I was afraid it would get worse if I ran so I stayed.

“Then the children came and it was better. I loved being a mother and that felt like enough for a long time. Esther managed to get me the occasional letter but it was difficult because my husband got all the mail and we had a gated estate with all sorts of security measures.

“Then my children grew up and went to find their own futures. None of my daughters were raised to be as subservient as I, thank the lord, but as a result, they found it very easy to leave me.

“Albert died of a heart attack about five years ago. I always thought that once he did, I would go look for Esther again, even though I hadn’t heard from her in years. But that’s when my husband’s real cruelty came to light. You see, never once in that time did I own a credit card. I hadn’t had a job in more than forty years. My name wasn’t on a single piece of property we owned. I didn’t even own a cellphone. It was like I hadn’t existed the whole time I’d been married to him. And he left me nothing. It all went to our oldest son, Richard. He moved into the house to take care of me and I just didn’t know how to leave.

“I might have died there if Esther hadn’t chosen to reappear two years ago. Even then, she really had to pursue me. I knew I loved her. All I wanted was to run away with her but I couldn’t handle even the thought of uncertainty. My son let her stay in our guest room. He didn’t know our history of course. He saw Esther steal a kiss on an early morning walk one day and just blew up, told Esther to get out. When I stood up to him he told me to get out too and then I had to make a choice.”

“You went with Esther,” Jean said.

“No, I didn’t, not then. I told Richard she had surprised me, that she had been in love with me in college but I had never returned her feelings. And then I went and hid while Richard tossed her out,” Myrtle wiped away a tear.

“How did you come back from that?” Jean asked.

Well, I probably wouldn’t have if Richard hadn’t told my other two children, letting them know an intervention might be necessary. My youngest child, Daniel, came to visit me and informed me that though he had been born my daughter, he was actually my son. For years he had been pretending to be the perfect wife, just as I had. He and his husband had a baby daughter. His husband knew, of course, and he was supportive. And Daniel was ready to transition but he wasn’t ready to lose his family, as painful as it was that he couldn’t be his truest self. But what Richard had said had given him hope that if he came out, he wouldn’t lose me. And so we both came out and we haven’t seen Richard, my daughter Samantha, or either of their families since.”

Jean dropped his arm around Myrtle’s shoulders as they walked and she leaned into him. “That must be so hard.”

“It was. What was even harder was that Esther left the country after Richard threw her out. It took me another whole year and a half to find her so for a long time, it felt like I had come out for nothing,” Myrtle sighed.

“But things worked out in the end,” Jean smiled at her.

“They did.” Myrtle beamed at him. “I never knew there could be such fullness in life. I’d been living it half empty this whole time.”

“I’m so happy for you,” Jean squeezed her shoulders.

“Do you want to know the biggest lesson I learned in all of that?” Myrtle said seriously.

“Of course,” Jean replied.

“That whole time, I blamed other people for my misery, my husband, my parents, even Esther for putting me in that position but I was to blame as well. I didn’t fight for love. And maybe it still would have taken Esther and I this long to get our shit together, but things would have been different if I had made the choice to follow my heart all those years ago. And this is where it relates to you,” Myrtle raised one eyebrow and glared a little.

“Me? What?” Jean dropped his arm and took a step back.

“We see how you look at your Jeremy. You want more with him,” Myrtle winked at him.

Jean sighed. “I love him.”

“You do! And you’re in the perfect position to romance him. All you have to do is tell him you want all of this to be real,” Myrtle whispered.

“I...I can’t. You don’t know what his friendship has done for me. What if I tell him and I lose him?” Jean’s voice broke on the last word.

“And what if that friendship becomes something more. Esther and I haven’t lost any of our strong friendship. You won’t either.” Esther patted him on the shoulder.

“What if he’s not ready?” Jean asked.

“Now that I don’t know. He might not be ready. But you still have to give him the choice,” Myrtle said.

“Oh, we’re at the waterfall,” Jean said. “Were you going to swim?”

“Me? No. I only agreed to this hike because I knew it was the best way to get you two alone. But you go ahead and dive in!” Myrtle shoved his shoulder playfully.

Jean laughed. “Thank you,” he said. “Really. I don’t know what will happen next but I’m really glad I met you.”

“Oh hush, you’ll make me blush. Now come on, I’m going to stick my old feet in that water. Show me your best dive.” Myrtle teased him.

Jean felt the laughter bubbling up inside him and saw no reason to force it down. He climbed quickly up the path to the top of the waterfall and dove into the pool beneath it. Maybe it was just the buoyancy of the cool water but he felt lighter somehow.

 

 

* * *

“Wow, Esther, I had no idea you were such a dedicated hiker,” Jeremy said as they followed the guide under the trees.

“Oh, I’m not. I hate hiking. But my knees can take more than Myrtle’s can and you were the one I really wanted to talk to anyway,” Esther said.

“Wait, what?” Jeremy asked. “What do you mean?”

“I wanted to talk to you about your fake relationship,” Esther winked at him.

“My what?” Jeremy chuckled nervously.

“You think I don’t know a gay panic when I see one? If you were really in a relationship with Jean, you would have already gotten all this nonsense over with. Let me guess, before yesterday, you still thought you were straight.” Esther looked him square in the eye.

“I AM straight,” Jeremy protested.

“Oh my god, it’s worse than I thought,” Esther cradled her head in her hands. “How do you feel when he is with you?”

“I dunno, happy? I guess? He’s really become my best friend over the last year,” Jeremy said.

“And how do you feel when he touches you?” she asked.

“Safe,” he replied with no hesitation. “He’s been such a huge comfort to me since my girlfriend dumped me.”

“You had a girlfriend?” Esther asked.

“Uh yeah, I did. I was supposed to be on this cruise with her but we broke up after the 30 day full refund period and so Jean offered to come, just as a friend,” Jeremy explained. “So if you think we have real feelings for each other, you’re supposed to. We’re pretending.”

“You’re pretending to date; you’re not pretending to pine,” Esther said severely.

“I really don’t know what you mean.” Jeremy hunched his shoulders.

“Lord, save me from thick-headed boys,” Esther groaned. “Your girlfriend, did you ask her out the first time?”

“Well no, I didn’t realize she was flirting with me and so she finally made the first move,” Jeremy admitted.

“And when you started being sexually active, whose idea was it?”

“Oh, it was her idea. I was willing to wait. There are other ways to be close and I didn’t feel like we had to rush it.” Jeremy picked up a stick off the ground and swished it through the long grasses at the side of the trail.

“And how did she make you feel when she touched you?” Esther asked.

“Oh, I had butterflies every time, even after three years of dating. That’s why I thought she was the one, because every touch was like the first one,” Jeremy said.

“Do you know how I feel every time Myrtle touches me?” Esther gripped Jeremy’s shoulder until he turned to face her.

“Uh, no, I can’t imagine, but she must give you incredible butterflies if your love got you through fifty years,” Jeremy blushed a little and didn’t quite meet her eyes.

“She makes me feel safe,” Esther said. “She makes me feel grounded, like I’m at home in her arms. Sure there were butterflies at first but the more I knew about Myrtle, the safer I felt. And now I feel something much stronger than butterflies.”

“What’s that?” Jeremy asked.

“Love.” Esther smiled at him. “And think about it, if you had to choose between never feeling the butterflies with whats-her-face and never feeling Jean’s arms around you, what would you choose?”

“Oh,” Jeremy said. “Oh.”

“Yeah, Oh.” Esther swatted him with her hand. “You’re such a lunkhead.”

“But what’s the point in telling me about it? I refuse to do anything to wreck our friendship. Jean hasn’t had the easiest life. I would hate to let him down or hurt him like everyone else til now. He was basically held hostage for his teens and before that, his family sent him away. I’m his family now. I can’t take that away from him just because I have some inconvenient feelings.” Jeremy threw the stick into the forest, scaring a bird or two into flight.

“And what about what Jean wants? Maybe he is feeling the exact same way. He loves you but I think he’s afraid of losing you too,” Esther said. “Myrtle and I were apart for so long, almost fifty years. Now I don’t want to play the what-if game because I’ll go absolutely mad if I do. But I still can’t help myself from wondering if I should have been more persistent. Or maybe I should have been a little less wild in college. Maybe if I hadn’t been quite so...myself, her parents wouldn’t have worried so much about my influence and they wouldn’t have rushed her marriage to Albert and we could have taken the time to properly disappear.”

“You were just being yourself. You can’t be blamed for that,” Jeremy interrupted.

“Duh, I said I didn’t want to play the what-if game.” Esther rolled her eyes at him. “My point is, there are plenty of things in my life that would swamp me in regrets if I let them but looking back now, knowing what I know, having her in my life, the only thing I could say I would truly regret is if I had never taken the chance to tell her I love her. Because finding her again after all these years, marrying her, it was worth all the pain it took to get to this moment. We have our scars, plenty of them, but we also have the chance to heal. You will not regret sharing your feelings with Jean, even if he doesn’t return them, but you will if you let him get away, if you never tell him at all.”

Jeremy sighed. “Thanks Esther, I’ll...I just have to process this.”

“Of course, dear, I know none of this is easy to think about, and if I had to guess, I think you’re probably better at advising others about their feelings than you are about handling your own,” Esther said astutely.

Jeremy ducked his head and felt his ears start to burn. “How’d you know?”

“Oh, I’ve been around a time or two. Don’t let the rainbow hair fool you, I’m actually quite wise,” Esther whispered and patted his arms. “Now, I see a flower that would look lovely in Myrtle’s hair and I simply must talk to the tour guide and find out what it is and if I can pick some. You stay back here and think all you want.”

Jeremy watched as she picked up her pace to reach the front of the line. Another couple waved at him and looked like they might try to start a conversation so he picked up his pace a little. He wondered if a five hour hike could be long enough to work out all this mess.

* * *

Jean wasn’t ready for the hike to be over. He had come on this trip for Jeremy, because he couldn’t stand to watch him mope around, but he couldn’t have imagined just how good it would feel to just enjoy himself. He was sweating and his calves were burning, but without the adrenaline of competition and the sting of pain that motivated him whether they won or lost. He smiled at no one in particular, just to see what it felt like, and it was so good he kept doing it until his cheeks were sore.

It was on his first jump off the third waterfall that he came to a realization. Yes, he was in love with Jeremy, but he was also in love with this freedom. He hadn’t been sure he could ever truly feel happy, not when there was so much darkness hanging over him but this was what it was like, what it could be like. And maybe Jeremy didn’t return his feelings, maybe he never would, but he would always be grateful for this friendship that gave him his first glimpse of happiness in its purest form.

“You look different,” Myrtle said partway through their last leg.

Jean grinned widely at her, tears pricking in the corner of his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this.”

She smiled at him. “I can see it on your face. It looks good on you. I hope it helps when the bad days come back.”

Jean could feel his smile dim. “I was hoping they just wouldn’t.”

“I hope they don’t, but if they do, you’ll have this to hold onto. It makes such a difference when the hope is in your memories, when you’re not taking someone else’s word for it that happiness is real. No matter how bad it gets, it is yours to keep now and no one can take that away from you,” Myrtle linked her arm with his as the end of the trail came into view.

Jean headed back to the cabin the moment they got back from the ship. He took a quick shower to wash off the jungle and grabbed another of Jeremy’s t-shirts from the suitcase. He snatched the cruise ship stationary off the desk in the room and tried to scribble down his thoughts. He had no idea what he was going to say to Jeremy when he returned. He had crumpled piles of paper sitting around him on the bed and no clearer ideas when Jeremy opened the door, sweaty and tired.

“How was your hike?” Jeremy asked as he flopped down on the bed beside him.

Jean opened his mouth and then froze, terrified that his new little happiness was too fragile to survive if Jeremy didn’t share his feelings. “Good, it was good,” he said. “Yours?”

“Yeah, it was good,” Jeremy replied. They stayed there a while in silence until Jeremy pushed himself up and headed off to the shower before supper.

At dinner, Chanel sat between them, chatting up a storm. Esther and Myrtle were conspicuously absent and Jean was thankful that he wouldn’t have to admit that he chickened out.

The movie on the deck that night was cancelled. A bitterly cold wind swept in across the water and the waves were the choppiest they’d been on the whole trip. Jean stood shivering, Jeremy at his side, and stared at the notice. He had definitely been planning ways for them not to be alone together that night. He still didn’t know what to say to Jeremy and he was worried he might blurt it out if a moment of silence stretched too long. And of course, the movie wasn’t the only thing that was cancelled. A storm was on its way and all available staff were busy preparing.

“We could just watch tv in our cabin again,” Jeremy suggested. “It was a long day and I could use the down time.”

Jean nodded. “Vending machine run?”

Jeremy’s eyes lit up. “Race you!” he shouted, feet already pounding down the hallway.

Jean grinned and chased after him. This, at least, was familiar ground.

By the time they arrived back at their cabin, laughing with their arms full of whatever stale crap had been filling the vending machines, the tension had dissipated. It was too early, Jean decided, to say something about his feelings. It would just make the rest of the trip awkward and he wanted to enjoy every moment that he could with Jeremy, warm and laughing at his side. He would tell him on the way home. That way they could go their separate ways for the summer and by the time they returned to playing together, it wouldn’t be quite so fresh.

Jean tried to give Jeremy some distance on the bed but the boy snuggled right into his side, giving out a happy sigh as Jean put his arm around him and gripped his shoulder firmly.

Honestly, Jean wasn’t even sure what they ended up watching, something about a dude with orange hair getting cryogenically frozen and waking up in the future. He was far too busy grounding himself, living in this moment, the soft mattress beneath him, the tinny sound of the music through Jeremy’s crappy laptop speakers, the salt and crunch in his mouth of stale potato chips mixing with the sweet and nutty flavours of the chocolate, the comforting weight of Jeremy’s head nestled over his heart and the urge to sneeze every time one of Jeremy’s curls brushed his nose. And Jeremy still laughing, every giggle shaking Jean and vibrating to his core.

They watched until their eyes were heavy and even Jeremy wasn’t paying attention to the show anymore. Jean listened as Jeremy’s breaths became deep and even. He reached out with his foot and gently closed the lid of the laptop and moved it right to the end of the bed. He carefully slid down in the bed, trying not to wake the sleeping boy in his lap. Eventually he got them situated so they were less likely to wake up with sore necks in the morning. Jeremy nuzzled into Jean’s chest and Jean gave into an impulse he had been fighting for at least the last hour. He pressed a soft kiss to Jeremy’s blond curls. He froze as Jeremy’s breath hitched but relaxed when his breathing evened out once more. Finally, he let his own eyes drift closed and he dropped into sleep.

 


	8. Chapter 8

It was a very rude awakening. Jean felt like he had barely closed his eyes when his stomach lurched and he was throwing himself into the bathroom before he even registered that he was awake. He barely managed to get on his knees and throw up the toilet lid before he was violently losing the contents of his stomach into the water.

It took him a while to come back to himself but when he did, Jeremy was a steady warmth behind him, strong hands rubbing slow circles on his back and a low hum of reassurement in his ears. He collapsed backward, trusting Jeremy to catch him. Jeremy guided his head into the crook of his neck and just held him. Jean realized, flushing red, that his breath must be vile and he was blowing it right in Jeremy’s face.

Jeremy didn’t complain, just kept up a steady stream of, “I got you” and “it’s going to be okay.”

“So dizzy,” Jean moaned. “World’s moving.”

“It’s the ship,” Jeremy spoke softly. “The storm finally hit and it’s a doozy.”

Jean listened and realized Jeremy was right. He could hear the wind and the rain and the occasional rumble of thunder. “Ugh, why?” he managed to speak.

“I’m sorry, Jean, I had no idea you would get seasick,” Jeremy clutched him tighter, burying his face in Jean’s hair.

“Not your fault,” Jean groaned. “Didn’t know either.” The ship lurched again and he scrambled back to the toilet, this time bringing up nothing but bile. He’s not sure how long it lasted, all he could comprehend was his own misery and Jeremy’s fingers in his hair.

Eventually the waves calmed to a gentle rocking and Jean’s stomach settled enough to take some gravol and sip on some flat ginger ale. Jeremy supported him as he staggered back to the bed and lay down beside him, this time with his hand resting on Jean’s stomach and rubbing away all the tension and sore muscles from heaving. He lay still, allowing Jeremy’s hands to lull him to a state somewhere between sleep and waking.

“Jean?” Jeremy whispered.

Jean could not muster the energy to react at all. Jeremy pulled away and sat up. Jean almost moaned in protest but again, he was too exhausted to respond.

“Okay,” Jeremy took a deep breath and held it before releasing it in a long, controlled exhale. “I have something to say and it’s going to be easier if I can practice it while you’re asleep.” Jeremy took a few more deep breaths and Jean waited.

“It has come to my attention that I have feelings. Well, I always knew that I have feelings but like the revelation was that I have feelings about you that are not platonic, nope, not even a little bit platonic. And it took me so long to figure it out because apparently I’ve never been in love and I don’t really know what love feels like and I thought I had it with Claire but I was just forcing myself to feel what I thought I should feel because I wanted to feel normal because normal people want to have relationships and have sex and...and oh my god, I am so glad you’re asleep because I am fucking this up. So I didn’t recognize what I was feeling for you because I’m an idiot and I don’t really understand it but you’re different somehow and I can’t put it into words. I think I love you, like really love you, like more than I ever loved Claire and I just really don’t know what to do about it,” Jeremy rambled, choking with tears partway through.

The words were on the tip of Jean’s tongue, he was ready to turn over and tell Jeremy how he fault but then he realized, Jeremy was vulnerable, he had had his heart broken, he was being forced to reevaluate everything he thought he knew. Of course he was latching onto Jean as the closest source of comfort. They were sharing a space, sharing more than that. He was confusing his need for comfort with actual romantic feelings. And Jean couldn’t do that to Jeremy. He needed time to heal and figure things out on his own, figure out how to be single again.

“What am I even thinking?” Jeremy sighed. He lay back down and pulled Jean close again. Jean wanted to turn over and nuzzle into Jeremy, breathe him in. But then Jeremy would know he was awake and would expect him to respond and even if he knew how to respond, it was just so much effort. So Jean kept his eyes shut and relished the strength of Jeremy wrapped around him and fell asleep.

 

 

* * *

Jeremy woke with no memory of falling asleep. He yawned and slowly pulled his eyes open. The room was still dim but for a ray of sunlight peeking through the curtains and lighting up Jean's dark hair like a halo. Jean has shifted in his sleep, he was no longer wrapped in Jeremy's arms but he was an arms length away and they were now face to face. It took him a moment to realize Jean's eyes were open and he was watching him.

“Good morning." Jeremy could feel his cheeks heating and he was surprised to see a matching blush on Jean.

Jean smiled softly, looking at Jeremy in a way that was immediately so fond he wasn't sure whether he wanted to hide his face or bask in this forever. Jean reached out his hand and placed it on Jeremy's cheek, thumb slowly tracing his lower lip.

Jeremy had a feeling of overwhelming certainty that he was about to be kissed. And he also knew that he was 100% okay with that. He reached out his own hand and placed his fingers through Jean's sunlit curls and began to move in closer. Jean dragged in a shaky breath but he did not pull away.

DING DING! The breakfast bell sounded. Jean looked away and the moment was broken in an instant.

“We...uh, we should go," Jean stammered.

Jeremy sighed and nodded, rolling out of bed. He pulled on the closest presentable pieces of clothing. He stood ready by the door as Jean changed and combed his hair and brushed his teeth.

As Jean came out of the bathroom, his eyes landed on their date night gift certificate, still on the table where Jeremy had dropped it that night. “Oh, uh, I was thinking..." Jean scooped it up and fiddled with it.

Jeremy looked at it, remembering what it promised. An unfamiliar heat built low in his stomach.

“Esther and Myrtle have been so kind to us. And I think they really deserve this. Besides, the romantic evening should really go to a real couple," Jean laughed but didn't meet Jeremy's eyes.

“Oh," Jeremy said. “You're right! They've been great." He grinned wide so Jean wouldn't know what he had been thinking. “Um...are you ready to head out for breakfast?" He didn't wait for Jean to follow before he headed out the door.

He heard Jean jog a few steps to catch up but he determinedly looked out at the ocean instead of the boy at his side.

He was sure Esther could see the distance between him and Jean as they walked up to the table but he shot a look at her that he hoped communicated that he wasn't willing to talk about it. She looked sad but when they reached the table, she started right in on the small talk.

“That storm last night was quite dreadful, I hope you slept better than I did." Esther grinned up at them.

Jean paled and rubbed his stomach and Jeremy forgot his disappointment in favor of concern. “You sit down," he said, giving Jean into a seat. “I'll grab breakfast."

Jean opened his mouth to protest but Jeremy didn't give him the chance. He hoped over to the breakfast buffet for dry toast and coffee and brought it back to the table before filling his own plate.

When he sat down, Jean had managed a few bites of toast and was looking more himself again.

“Oh, now that Jeremy is back, we have something for you," Jean reached into his pocket and pulled out the gift certificate.

“Oh no, that's for you boys. We can't possibly," Esther protested.

“We thought it should go to a real couple," Jean explained. Esther opened her mouth to refuse again but Myrtle placed her hand on her wife's forearm and gave her a pointed look.

“I see." Esther looked sad. “This is what you think too, Jeremy?"

Jeremy forced a big fake grin onto his face. “Absolutely," he said.

“Well great!" Esther snatched the certificate from Jean's hand. “I'll just go get this organized, shall I? Since it's our last night, we should get on this."

Myrtle's eyes twinkled. “Excellent idea, my dear."

Chanel ran up then and monopolized them for the rest of breakfast.

Esther came back right at the end, a pleased smile on her face. “All arranged," she smiled. “But we can't go back into our cabin until supper time. Will you boys keep us company? I can feel a game of shuffleboard calling my name!"

“I've never played," Jean admitted.

“Well a big strong athlete like you should have absolutely no trouble picking it up," Esther pulled Jean to standing and linked arms with him.

A couple hours later, Jeremy's stomach ached from laughter. The skills of Exy did not transfer well to shuffleboard and these two sweet ladies were destroying them in every game. And it wasn't like Jeremy could just refuse a rematch. He couldn't stop until he had won at least one game.

They managed it just as the lunch bell rang. Still breathless from Jean’s victory hug, Jeremy realized he was absolutely starving. “Race you,” he yelled to Jean, taking off down the hallway.

“Hey!” Jean shouted after him. “You’re such a cheater!” But Jeremy could hear Jean’s footsteps catching up. He sprinted full out but still managed to collapse into his chair a few seconds after Jean landed in his.

“No fair,” Jeremy pouted as he tried to catch his breath.

“Yeah, to me,” Jean glared without heat. “You cheated and you couldn’t even win.”

Esther and Myrtle came up at a far more sedate pace. “Hooligans,” Esther shook her head at them.

Jeremy blushed but Jean just shrugged and grinned. “I think this is the best I’ve felt this whole trip, gotta make the best of it.”

“Excellent,” Jeremy teased. “I guess you can get my lunch this time.”

Jean jumped up from his seat and headed toward the buffet without a complaint.

Esther scootched over into Jean’s chair and leaned in close. “So what happened?” she asked. “Did you tell him?’

Jeremy dropped his head into his hands. “Sort of?”

“What do you mean sort of?” Esther leaned back and raised her eyebrow.

“I waited until he was exhausted from throwing up for hours and asleep and then it’s all a blur. It was a mess. I had no idea what I was saying,” Jeremy admitted.

“You are a disaster, you know that, right?” Esther smacked him on the arm.

“I know,” Jeremy sighed. “I’ll do it, I will. I just need to find the right time.”

Jean headed back to the table then with one plate piled high.

“I thought you were getting mine too,” Jeremy complained.

“Oh, I didn’t feel like carrying two plates through the buffet line so I figured we would just share. We’ve done that for most of our meals this trip anyway,” Jean blushed.

Myrtle and Esther cooed at them as Esther moved back to her seat and Jean sat down unnecessarily close.

“Mr Jean!” Chanel screamed from across the dining room. A number of heads turned to look at the little girl, not just the four at their table. Her hand was in her mother’s and she was squirming to get away. As they watched, her mother rolled her eyes and let go. Chanel made a beeline for their table and leapt into Jean’s arms. He turned awkwardly to catch her.

“Mr Jean, I had a dream about you last night!” Chanel jabbered, hugging his neck fiercely.

“You did?” Jean’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “Dare I ask what it was about?”

“You an...an Mr Jeremy, you gots married and you were wearing this big, poofy, pink, princess dress and Mr Jeremy was wearing the Beast’s suit from Beauty and the Beast and it was all underwater so the mermaids could come!” Chanel shouted at a volume that at least the six surrounding tables could hear.

“Ah yes, very practical,” Jean nodded wisely. “As you know, mermaids give the best gifts. They find all the pirate treasure.”

“Uh huh! And then you all got eaten by sharks!” she laughed.

“Oh no,” Jeremy burst in. “What a tragedy.”

“It’s not a TRADEGY! That’s how sharks give their blessing!” Chanel glared.

“Yeah Jeremy,” Jean teased, “how could you not know that?”

“Sorry I’m not well versed in shark wedding etiquette,” Jeremy pouted. “This is my first time at sea.”

“It’s ok,” Chanel patted his hand. “You’re doing your best.”

“Um...thank you,” Jeremy said.

Chanel turned around and relaxed into Jean’s arms. She picked at the fruit salad on their plate, finding all the chunks of pineapple and eating them.

“Mr Jean,” she asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence, “are you the smart one or the rich one?”

Jean sputtered for a moment. “Pardon?”

“Mommy says that in every marriage there is a smart one and a rich one. The rich one has all the money and the smart one gets the money when they get married without having to work for it,” Chanel said, feeding Jean a grape.

Esther burst out laughing from across the table. “Sorry honey,” she said between giggles. “I’m not laughing at you. Myrtle just told me a really funny joke.”

“Well, Jeremy’s paying for this trip so I guess I’m the smart one.” Jean winked at her.

“That’s what I thought.” Chanel nodded and patted Jeremy’s hand. “It’s ok though. It doesn’t matter if you’re dumb as long as you’re pretty too.”

Jeremy dropped his head onto his arms while Jean laughed at him, a little bit out of embarrassment, but mostly to hide his grin because he just realized he had lost count of how many times Jean had laughed this trip and that was the best problem he had ever had.

At last he sat up, ate the last few bites of his lunch, and turned to Jean with a smile. “Wanna head back to our cabin for a bit?” he asked. “We’ll meet up with the rest of you later,” directed at the other inhabitants of the table.”

“No time,” Esther said. “We booked you in at the spa for the afternoon.”

“What?” Jean asked. “You shouldn’t…”

“Oh, we wanted to,” Myrtle said. “You haven’t sat and let yourself be pampered yet. It’s a very crucial element in any cruise.”

“And you have to be there in five minutes or we lose our deposit,” Esther said. “Better hurry.”

Jean and Jeremy exchanged confused looks but obediently started to clear their place.

“We’ll handle that,” Myrtle said, “just go!”

They made it to the spa with a minute to spare.

“I’ve never done anything like this,” Jean admitted.

“Me neither,” Jeremy replied. “My mom used to drag me along to her mani/pedis but I always just sat in the waiting room with a book. I asked if I could get my nails done too but she said it wasn’t manly.”

Jean studied his nails. “I’ll get mine done.”

“Seriously?” Jeremy asked.

“Sure,” Jean shrugged, “it’s nice to add a little colour sometimes.” He held out his hand for Jeremy to take and they walked up to the check in counter.

What followed was a whirlwind afternoon of almost all new experiences. Esther and Myrtle had booked them the most all inclusive package that existed, including a steam, a massage, a facial, manicures and pedicures, full body wraps, and a hair mask.

By the time they were done and standing outside the spa again, Jeremy’s entire body felt tingly and refreshed. He looked down and his fingernails, admiring how the red glitter caught the light. He compared his next to Jean’s, who had chosen to go full rainbow with his.

“Did you enjoy that?” Jeremy asked.

“I wouldn’t want to do it all the time but yeah, I did,” Jean grinned, grabbing Jeremy’s hand to get a closer look at his nails. “I think I can learn to paint your nails at home if this is a look you want to go for.”

And Jeremy thought about it, the two of them crammed into his stupid twin dorm room bed with Jean bent over his hand, carefully spreading colour on the nails and for the first time it felt real, that maybe this is something that could exist outside the bubble on this cruise ship. “Jean, I…” he started.

“Yoo hoo!” Esther shouted from the end of the hallway. “Did you two have fun?”

Jean stepped back and dropped Jeremy’s hand. “We did, and how was your afternoon.”

“Oh, just lovely.” Myrtle said. “Oh Jean, I was wondering if I could perhaps get my book back.”

“Oh,” Jean looked startled. “Yes of course. Would you like to come to our cabin after supper?”

“No!” Esther interrupted. “I mean, she wanted to read part of it during our romantic evening tonight. Be a dear and we can drop by your cabin before heading back to ours.”

Jean wrinkled his brow but nodded. “Jeremy, would you like to escort Esther to dinner and then I’ll meet you at the dining hall.”

Jeremy started nodding but Myrtle spoke first. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, we’ll all walk together. Us old ladies could use the exercise.”

“We’ve got a few minutes before we can go back into our cabin anyway,” Esther said. “I’d just end up waiting outside the cabin for Myrtle to get back anyway.”

“Wow, the wind must be blowing in the right direction,” Jeremy remarked as they reached their cabin. “We can’t usually smell supper from here.”

“That’s odd,” Jean said as he walked in the door. “The light won’t turn on. And did we shut the blackout curtains? I don’t remember it being this dark in here.”

“Weird,” Jeremy said, taking a few steps into the room.

“Hey, Jeremy,” Esther said from the doorway, “catch!” And she hurled something small at his head. He caught it just as Myrtle slammed the door, leaving them in pitch blackness.

“What? Hey!” Jean yelled. “What are you?...” He was interrupted by the cackling of the two ladies and the jingling of chains.

Jeremy felt the object in his hand and realized it was one of those LED flameless tealights. “I think we’ve been set up,” he sighed. He flipped the switch to turn it on and in the dim light, he could see there were more scattered around the room on every surface and the pillar sized ones on the table which had been set for two with fine china and wine. Several covered silver dishes sat on the table and Jeremy poked around there as Jean turned on each candle.

Two delicious meals of steak and potatoes were on the table, along with caesar salad, two bowls of french onion soup and a couple slices of rich, decadent chocolate cheesecake. Jeremy turned around to look at the rest of the room now that he could see. The bed was covered in rose petals and there was a big bouquet of them on each nightstand. There was expensive chocolate on each pillow and yet another gift basket full of things that made him blush.

Jean sighed, “I’m not all that surprised. Myrtle kind of ambushed me on the hike.”

“At least you probably had a nice civil chat. Esther did the same to me and I hardly knew which way was up. Have you ever had a person so thoroughly call your own identity into question so much you could barely remember your own name?” Jeremy asked.

“That sounds like her,” Jean chuckled. “But even though we’re now locked in here with this incredibly romantic dinner, we don’t need to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Just say the word and we can eat steak and watch that cartoon again.”

Jeremy thought about telling Jean and waited for the fear to wash over him but it didn’t come. He was ready. It was time.

He crossed the room and sat cross-legged on the bed and waited for Jean to join him.

Jean sat down and just looked into his eyes for a while. The silence stretched on. Finally Jeremy opened his mouth to speak but, before he could, Jean interrupted him.

“I love you,” Jean said. “I’m in love with you.”

Jeremy’s breath left in the hugest sigh of relief. “I love you too.”

Jean laughed, a little hysterical from relief. “That’s...that’s really good to hear. But I don’t want to put any pressure on you. If this is just experimenting, it’s okay. I know it’s a lot to be tied down to someone like me.”

“No!” Jeremy interrupted. “It’s not like that at all. You’re not my gay crisis. You’re not my experiment. I was so wrapped up in trying to have a normal relationship that I had absolutely no clue that I’ve been in love with you for months. In hindsight it seems stupidly obvious but I thought when we screamed at each other it was because when we had passion and that when I was just a bit afraid every time she touched me, it was because of how strong my feelings were. But you’re so different. You make me feel safe. And fuck, I’m rambling again. Can you stop me? You should stop me.”

Jean leaned forward and wound his hand through Jeremy’s curls and pulled him close, forehead to forehead. “I love it when you ramble. I love it when you say everything you’re thinking because then I can see all of you the way you’ve always been able to see right to the heart of me. I don’t want to pretend any more.”

Jeremy couldn’t wait any more. He moved those last few centimetres and claimed Jean’s lips with his own.

Jean pulled back after just a few seconds. “As romantic as this dark, candle-lit cave is, I’ve spent enough of my life in the dark.” He stood up and strode to the window, pulling back the blackout curtains, letting in the glorious sunset, painting Jean’s body with oranges and reds, turning his blue eyes to gold.

Jeremy lay back, too overwhelmed to even look he closed his eyes and waited.  
One breath. Two. And then Jean's mouth was on him, sweet and careful, nothing like their whirlwind of a first kiss. There was maybe the barest hint of teeth, the slightest pressure from the tongue, but no urgency behind it. Jeremy sunk into it at first but they reached the point where things usually started to change and Jeremy felt himself tensing up. Jean shifted and Jeremy steeled himself for a hand on his still clothed cock.

Nothing happened. Confused, Jeremy opened his eyes and saw Jean balancing on the very edge of the bed, sitting on his hands, breathing hard and a tent in his shorts that made Jeremy's throat go dry.

“If you're not ready for this, we don't have to do it now," Jean said.

The relief was the first thing to hit Jeremy. This was the first time anyone had told him he could just stop. But then there was the second thing, because for the first time, Jeremy really didn't want to.

“I want to, I want to with you," Jeremy said. “But I want it to be different. Can it be different?"

“I want you in any way and every way." Jean's eyes were sure and Jeremy drew in their strength.

“Get on your back," Jeremy whispered, still unsure. Jean's pupils blew wide and his breath hitched. He scrambled to comply.

“I'm not trapping you or restraining you," Jeremy's voice grew stronger as Jean's obvious desire gave him confidence. “I'm going to take care of you."

“Please," Jean groaned. “Please take care of me."

Jeremy straddled Jean's hips, a frisson of pleasure dancing down his spine as his hardness pressed against Jean's. He placed his hand on Jean's firm chest and felt his heart racing. He leaned forward, putting his other hand under Jean's head and dragged the man into a kiss, still soft, still sweet, with just enough heat to leave them both gasping.

Jeremy pulled back, smiling when Jean chased after him. “Shirt off," he directed. Jean's hands shook and Jeremy was the one to pull it over his head. He sat back and looked while Jean panted beneath him. And it wasn't like he'd never seen Jean's scars before but it felt like he was seeing them for the first time. He smoothed his hands over Jean's chest, tracing every line, knowing he couldn't heal them, couldn't erase them, but planning to do his damnedest to redeem them. Jean softened a little and Jeremy searched his face for the reason why. Jean looked back at him, terrified but trusting, and suddenly Jeremy couldn't see him through the tears, undone by finally seeing the soul of Jean Moreau laid bare. He leaned forward and pressed his trembling lips to the jagged scar crossing Jean's left collarbone.

“This is beautiful," Jeremy murmured. He kissed another. “This is beautiful," he repeated.

“What?" Jean asked.

“You're beautiful," Jeremy said. He stopped kissing his way down Jean's chest and instead reached up to frame Jean's head with his hands and look into his eyes. “These scars are a part of you, a sign you've been through hell and come out the other side. That you endured this and still have this fierce, tender heart and for unyielding strength. I am in awe of you, Jean Moreau."

Jean smiled up at him and dragged him down for another lingering kiss before Jeremy once again moved down to kiss each scar. A few minutes later, his lips accidentally grazed a nipple and Jean moaned loudly, his cock going from half mast to fully hard again in an instant.

Jeremy grinned widely against Jean's skin and deliberately flicked the tip of his tongue against Jean's nipple. Jean's back arched, pushing his hips more firmly into Jeremy's and a broken cry fell from his lips. “You like that, don't you?"

“Yes," Jean groaned.

Jeremy closed his mouth over Jean's nipple and sucked, enjoying every noise he could tease from Jean's mouth. Finally he grazed the nipple with his teeth and Jean practically shot off the bed.

“Mon dieu, Jer," Jean panted.

“Is it good?" Jeremy asked, suddenly worried he was doing it wrong.

“So good. So fucking good," Jean grinned. “But you can stop if you need to."

“I know." Jeremy pressed his forehead into Jean's sternum for a moment to center himself and catch his breath before he kissed down Jean's stomach. He got distracted for a while by a patch right under Jean's bellybutton that made him shudder and whine but soon he was gripping Jean's waist band and asking for permission to go further.

Jean nodded and pushed his hips up so Jeremy could slide off his shorts and boxers and then there it was and that's when Jeremy faltered. Jean's cock was maybe an inch or two longer than his own, though not as thick. And really, having one of his own, he should already know what to do with it.

“You can stop. What you're done already has been amazing," Jean interrupted his stare down.

“I want this," Jeremy said. “Do you?"

Jean could only nod in reply.

Jeremy took his time exploring, kissing Jean's inner thighs and readying himself for what happened next. He slowly licked a stripe up the side of Jean's cock. Jean shivered but didn't make a sound. Feeling braver, Jeremy put his mouth around the head of Jean's cock and sucked.

Although he wasn't immediately sure how he felt about cocks in general, he quickly decided he liked sucking Jean's very much. Because all the noises he had made when Jeremy was teasing his nipples were nothing compared to these.

It seemed like no time at all before Jean gasped out, “Jer, m'gonna come," and Jeremy made the decision to keep sucking as Jean convulsed under him.

And then the world slowed down. Jeremy swallowed his mouthful and crawled back up Jean’s body to collapse in the crook of his arm. Jean panted heavily, unable to stop smiling as he recovered.

“That was..." Jean began.

“It was okay, right?" Jeremy shifted his head so he could look into Jean's eyes.

“It was incredible," Jean sighed. “But what about you? You're still wearing your clothes." He turned and reached as if to return the favor.

Jeremy grabbed his hand and dragged it to his head. “This was enough," he said. “This was perfect."

“You sure?" Jean asked.

“I'm sure," Jeremy replied. “Hold me?"

Jean nodded and pulled Jeremy closer, rubbing his hands up and down Jeremy's back.

Jeremy relaxed into Jean's side, feeling the pull of sleep but not giving into it, letting the desire and arousal subside naturally, replacing it with contentment. It's true what Myrtle said, love does feel like home.

 


	9. Epilogue

Jean was not ready to wake up but the sound of giggling outside their door brought him out of a deep sleep.

“You boys still alive in there?” Esther called from outside.

Jeremy groaned and rolled out of bed. “I’ll get it.”

He stumbled to the door and opened it. Esther and Myrtle crowded forward but stopped in disappointment when they saw Jeremy, still in last night’s outfit.

“Oh my god,” Esther moaned, facepalming. “What more do we have to do?”

Jean sat up, the sheets dropping to his waist.

Myrtle nudged Esther lightly. “If you weren’t so lost in your dramatics, you would see that!” She gestured to Jean.

Jean looked down to see a very purple, very prominent love bite sucked perfectly into his left pectoral. He squawked and pulled up the sheets again but it was too late.

“Oh thank god!” Esther shouted. “The UST was killing me!”

Jean blushed and when he looked at Jeremy, his face was no less red.

“Now, what do you say?” Esther asked, mock sternly. 

“Thank you?” Jeremy said.

“Damn right, you say thank you. If it was wasn’t for my and my precious wifey here, you two probably wouldn’t have gotten your shit together before the death bed confession!” Esther glared.

Jean reached over the edge of the bed and found a shirt to pull on. He came to the door and placed his hand possessively on Jeremy’s hip. “Thank you, really,” he interrupted Jeremy’s sputtering.

“You are so welcome,” Myrtle grinned at them, tears in the corner of her eyes. “You missed breakfast. We brought you something quick. We just docked and they want everyone to disembark in an hour.”

“Oh,” Jean looked around at their disaster of a room. Clothes littered the floor. The table was still covered in picked over dishes from when they had awoken in the middle of the night. The bathroom wasn’t much better. “I guess we have some work to do.”

“We’ll leave you to it,” Myrtle said. “We have our own little tornado to clean up after.” She looked pointedly at Esther. “Just don’t leave without saying goodbye.”

* * *

After they left the boat, the four of them met once more at the bench from the beginning of their trip. Their luggage was a little less put together. Jean’s skin was peeling while the other three were a little more tan. And this time, Jean and Jeremy’s clasped hands meant something real.

“Don’t be strangers now,” Esther said, holding out a piece of paper with phone numbers and email addresses. “Myrtle and I are a little light on family now and we don’t intend to let go of the family that we find.”

“Of course,” Jeremy said, stepping into her fierce hug. “We’ll invite you to the wedding.”

“Wedding?” Esther squeezed him tight. “Your boy moves that fast?”

“Haha, no,” Jeremy laughed. “But do you ever look at someone and just know they’re it for you?”

Esther’s face softened as she looked at her wife. “All the time,” she said.

Jeremy hugged Myrtle too. He knew that if they didn’t wrap up this goodbye soon, he would be sobbing into Jean’s shoulder.

“Mr Jean! Mr Jeremy! Grammy and Gramma!” Chanel was speeding toward them, leaving her mother behind. “I thought you left!” she pouted when she reached them.

Jean crouched down, “and miss saying goodbye to you?”

Chanel pulled a pink, rhinestoned iphone out of her little purse. “Mommy gave me my phone back. Can I have your phone number?”

“You have a phone?” Jeremy asked.

“Duh.” Chanel rolled her eyes. “I gots ta text my friends.”

Jean looked over to Chanel’s mother who had finally caught up. She just waved her hand, kept her nose buried in her own phone, and continued walking toward the limo waiting for them at the curb. He programmed his number in to her phone but there was no time for more.

“I’ll text you every day!” Chanel promised before running to catch up with her mother.

“That girl is going to be a handful when she grows up,” Myrtle said fondly.

Jeremy could only nod in agreement.

“Well,” Esther said. “We’ve got a bit of a drive so we really should be getting on the road. But like I said, keep in touch. Win some Extra games for me.”

“She means Exy,” Myrtle rolled her eyes.

“I meant what I meant,” Esther grumbled. “Stop trying to put words in my mouth.”

“Yes dear,” Myrtle chuckled as she led her wife toward the parking lot.

And then they were alone, back where they started from.

“It almost doesn’t feel real,” Jeremy said.

Jean casually picked up his hand and pressed his lips to the back of it. “Does this feel real?”

Jeremy shivered at the heat and couldn’t do more than stare at this boy who had completely changed his life. “Come on, Jean. Let’s go home.”


End file.
